Love Just Got a Little More Vulnerable…

 These last weeks have felt like some of the most vulnerable moments of my life on two very different fronts.  To begin with, for the first time in my life, I initiated a relationship with a guy.  I know for some that could sound like not a big deal, even laughable.  But for me it was a grave challenge, one that required all of my most outstanding abilities and qualities.  In some ways it was a radical break from my own "rules," (of wanting the man to initiate), a major paradigm shift and definitely a giant step out of my own happy, little comfort zone.  It was part of a long, epic battle, a certain jousting within myself about whether I would share my feelings openly in the light or leave them buried in a deep, dark corner of my soul. 

The week before my bounding leap, friends, mentors, and family all gave me their well-meaning but conflicting advice about how I should advance in my relationship with him.  "Drop him,"  "wait for him to lead," "tell him how you feel," they said.  It could have been quite confusing.  In my heart, though, I knew something had to change.  I concluded that it was a win-win decision to disclose my feelings to him.  Either way was not going to break me. Thankfully, God has led me to a level place where finally I know who I am.  I am a woman who is worthy of a great man. And so if this man wasn't interested, it would not speak to me of any of my own shortcomings- not being beautiful enough, good enough, or smart enough.  Quite simply he would not be the one for me, and I would simply be free to move on.  On the other hand, it could be the beginning of a great and sweeping romance.lol.   So why hide in darkness? 

When the moment of truth came, I thought it would be a big, earth-shattering moment, but I can't say that I was terribly eloquent, witty or audacious in my approach.   It was simple, straight to the point and a rather weak outburst,  "I have a confession, I like you!!!"  So, I'd also like to tell you everything became clear in that moment, but all I can say to end my first story is that my love story is still being written.  My bold jump was one step towards greater understanding, but there is still a journey to be traversed.  I can, however, stand confidently knowing that I have won a great personal victory, and my love life is very secure in God's hands.  I do wish He would hurry things up, though! 

But if my first story seems somewhat trivial, my second is not.  Something happened that forced me to feel the depth of how vulnerable life and love really are.  My sister and her husband were at the Boston marathon during the recent bombing.  My brother-in-law Ryan had planned this expedition for months in advance.  He had previously won the local Abbotsford "Run For Water" for the past two years.  Running the Boston marathon had seemed like the next challenge for him to undergo and overcome.  My sister Sophia also was enthusiastic to escape the mundane of Abbotsford life and see something new and exciting in the famous American city.  On the morning of April the 15th, I was busy managing twenty high-energy second graders.  It seemed just a typical day of teaching.  As I was strolling back after lunch to a peaceful afternoon with the kids, the PE teacher who I hardly knew stopped me and asked if I had heard about explosions at the Boston marathon.  My heart dropped as I stared at him in wide-eyed confusion and disbelief.  How was that even possible?  Surely, he must have made a mistake, but as I considered it more, no one could make that kind of error.  

I probably should have stopped quickly to text my sister to see if they were safe, but I tend towards over responsibility for my work. Who really knows how to respond in those moments either?  I chose instead to gather my students from outside and try to teach a regular lesson.  Bad idea.  The thoughts that bombarded my head over those final two hours of teaching sought to unnerve me.  I tried to focus on helping the students cut out beautiful spring flowers.  Spring flowers!  That should have kept me feeling cheery and looking on the bright, positive side of life.  Instead worst-case scenarios played over in my head, as we pinned their pretty pictures up on the class bulletin board.  I could only think of my own little nephew and niece and their parents whose lives may have been forever altered on that day.  As soon as my students had safely joined their parents, I raced back to the classroom and called my parents to see if they had received any news.  I breathed a sigh of relief as  I heard that Ryan and Sophia were safe, hiding away in their hotel (even if it was in Watertown).  As the story continued to unfurl, I discovered he had finished the race only an hour before the bombs had exploded. (Thank God that Ryan is a fast runner. Talk about running for your life?)  I became even more acutely aware of how close a call it was when later that night, I watched the news.  I saw the cloud of smoke arising, the people screaming and even falling at the very same finish line where Sophia had cheered so proudly for her husband only six minutes earlier.   

Even now, it is hard for me to process what has really happened. How can we process these tragedies?  Random thoughts but perhaps there is some life in them.  Time to to slow down.  Time to be thankful.   Time to turn our hearts to God.  Time to love those who have been broken and wounded.  Time to protect that which remains.  Time to hope for something better.  

I will end with a C.S. Lewis quote I began my previous blog with:  

To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in the casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable.  C.S. Lewis 4 Loves.

My prayer is that areas where my heart has been locked away and dead, the casket door would swing open.  That God would somehow redeem my life and story to burst forth healing through the sorrows but also the joys! 

The secret to love...

The secret to Love- Thoughts by Tedd Dekker

I came across this today and it brought a new light to Love and I can't stop thinking about it. I thought I'd share!

Have you ever noticed that when you "fall in love" for the short time when you are 'swept-away' the one toward whom your affection is directed can do no wrong? Your judgement of them is blind, you see only beauty, and you feel like you're in heaven... Maybe it's a beautiful gift from our Father, a slice of heaven hard wired into us as a reminder. Maybe its the closest thing to heaven we can feel in these bodies. 

Some trivialize this state and call it "infatuation" as if those first feelings are substandard to "real love." 

What if we have it backwards? What if during that early non-judgmental period we are have a glimpse of what following Jesus teaching not to judge really is like? What if that's how God feels about you? Or try this: Imagine falling in love with everyone you meet... I mean, really... seeing them beyond all judgement. You would be one happy camper, wouldn't you? I'm not talking about romance as such, but crazy, can do no wrong affection. Perhaps the kingdom of heaven among us is such a place, here and now. 

Who here wants to fall in love over and over and over and forever? 

Thoughts by Lisa:

I know thats how Jesus loves us, and what stops us from doing the same, or at least make an effort of living this way. Looking at those around and not seeing thier flaws first but seeing love through non-judgemental eyes. I need to start living like this, I know how been challanged and will choose not to be the same again.

LOVE COVERS ALL!!!

A few things I am learning....

These past few weeks I have learned so much. Thought I might share just a few insights I have discovered.... let's title it "The Dos before I Dos...." or maybe something like "A few things this Christian girl is learning as she becomes a wife..." or maybe even just "Some things to think about before looking at Pintrest". Any of these titles could be appropriate!

1. There is a PANDORAS box of wedding ideas, thoughts, suggestions, lists, services available to you. Before you open the box, STOP. Decide with your Man what you want your wedding to be about- who is it about. For us, we decided that this really is all about celebrating an amazing miracle done by God (the miracle of love for one another). Our number one guest is Jesus. So everything we would decide to do that day would honor Him. It was from that place that we then could make decisions on the how, what, where and how much!

2. Be engaged. The season before marriage is precious. This is your last time in your whole life that you are going to be a 'fiance'. Enjoy the middle land and learn the thing that you are to learn in order to be prepared for this great new adventure. Spend time with your girlfriends. Clean out your boxes of the past things you won't need any more. Take time to be just you and God. I have found that during this time of longing to just start my life with him I can sometimes forget the beauty in that longing. When I can capture what it is that I am longing for, and name the pain of the wait, I somehow find myself being more thankful for all that is coming.

3. Keep it pure. Long-distance has certainly helped us with physical boundaries, but what about my thoughts? Walking down the aisle toward my Husband to be I don't want to just be a physical 'virgin', I want to know that with the grace and strength of the Lord, I walk toward him pure in my heart. This is no easy task! Finding the man you have been waiting for is incredible! And let me just say, it takes me getting my eyes onto the bigger picture to see that watching how I think about him will be honoring for him in our marriage.

4. Beware of Pintrest!! If you have any creative bone in your bridal body you are going to LOVE the ideas on Pintrest! There is everything on there! But when your roommate finds you sitting in the dark with nothing but the glow of the computer screen to illuminate your half-opened 2AM eyes, it's time to shut that pinning down! Take a breath! I found that 'all the ideas' suddenly started making any idea seem not quite enough. I had to go on a pintrest fast! I decided I would pray before pinning; that I would go to God with ideas and wait to hear what He had to say first. This lead to WAY more peace and far more sleep!

5. When you find your dress, stop looking at other dresses. You are going to be beautiful on your special day, regardless of what you are wearing. There are a lot of pretty dresses, an hundreds that will look great on you. Find one that gives your heart bubbles of peace. Then stop looking at other ones and comparing. I am not sure I know of many situations where comparing has helped get more peace.

6. Honor your family. This is a big deal for them too. Be careful with their hearts and be creative to navigate how to make the important people feel special. Be open and honest about how you feel about them. Love and communicate.

7. Take time to just be with your fiance, not talking about wedding agendas or decisions that need to be made. There is still so much to know about him- you will have a lifetime of getting to know him! Enjoy this season with him. And when you're making decisions about invitations, guest lists, color schemes... talk it out with him. Maybe more guys want to have input into what their wedding day than we give them credit for. Respect him by hearing his perspective too.

8. well... to be announced I guess. 

There is only 9 weeks left until I get married and still I know there will be much to learn. As I write this list I think of telling myself all of these things. What a glorious season it has and is to be engaged!

Love is Vulnerable

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. C.S. Lewis 4 Loves.

Thanks Tam for helping me re-find this quote. It has brought me great comfort through a week that has felt tougher than the "tough mudder." As some of you know I did the "tough mudder" last June. It is challenging obstacle course where your body is pushed to its furthest physical limits. But heartache and emotional pain are a million times harder to deal with than any physical pain, at least in my experience.

Everyone deals with heartache in some form or another. I love how C. S. Lewis points out so poignantly that our hearts can be broken even by "an animal." How many people have felt the deep sorrow of a pet dying?

Then there is the pain of friends moving away (we miss you, Lisa!). Friends who get married or are preparing to get married like lovely Miss Danielle. I am genuinely happy for the changes in these people's lives. I see they are being led into amazing new opportunities and adventures, but there is also a part of me that is deeply saddened. There's a part of me that suddenly feels lonely and perhaps afraid of a new season that is coming. Change is always hard on my heart.

I always try to be brave and strong through changes. But my ultimate test came when a young man I respect, look up to and would have to confess I am very interested in, hurt me. I realized that the man that I had perhaps idolized is not always sensitive, sweet or kind. When I look back at what happened, it probably had more to do with the fact that men and women seem to speak very different languages. No, not intentionally. He had no idea.I had opened my heart to him at least in part, and he seemed to squish it, or at least ignore it and not understand my words and actions. I went from holding him on the highest pedestal to being angry at him. How does that happen so quickly eh?

But in the midst of my "heartbreak," I am grateful that I had the grace to go to God with my pain. Of course I started my regular complaints about how long I have waited for my husband. Jesus always seems to know how to bring me comfort. Last time I reminded him, "I have been waiting for 32 years for this promise of my husband!" I felt like Jesus gently commented back, "Well, I have been waiting for 2000 years for my Bride to be unified and to love me."

I began to look upon the One who was willing to make Himself vulnerable for me. The one who was willing to have His heart ripped open. I'm speaking of Jesus Christ. Some people have said that when He was crucified, He actually died of a broken heart not from the physical pain. When a spear was driven into His side blood and water flowed out, which is typical of anyone who died of heart break. I can think of no more of a vulnerable place for God's Son to put Himself than with His arms stretched wide open on two sticks of wood between heaven and earth. His body bruised and battered, pulverized by pain and even torture. I know it is a horrific picture, but perhaps it is also a place of healing in that there is no pain that He cannot relate to. God knows our physical pain, but He also knows our relational pain. He was rejected by those who had been His friends. He was betrayed by Judas and even by an expression of intimacy-a kiss.

We still so often reject Him. We chose to walk away or ignore His love. But if we desire, we can still look up at Him and hear Him tenderly ask, "Will You receive what I have done for you?" He has made Himself vulnerable to us. He has bared His heart wide open. He will never deny the love that He has for us. He has chosen to forgive us. He has chosen to continue loving us and make Himself vulnerable despite the heartache we have caused Him by our selfishness or even simply our ignorance.

A Love that Ruins You

A jealous and loving God is calling out, He’s calling you to go higher, deeper, farther with Him. He’s calling your name. His love is an endless depth of greatness. If this isn’t truth to you, if you don’t see God that way, no worries, I’ll introduce ya to that God. He’s here, available, seeking and loving you.

I believe in a God that created all the beauty of this world and yet is more satisfied in watching your beauty. He created you, to love you. He formed and fashioned you, to LOVE YOU. If you never said a kind word to Him or about Him, if you denied Him all the days of your life that would NEVER change the great depth and power of His love for you.

GOD LOVES YOU!

I know this might seem obvious to some, but this truth is SINKING in more and more. The more I believe the truth of His unrelenting love, making it my very core and life mandate, the more prepared I will be to love and honour my husband when the time is here. It will come from a healthy place of such depth and prayerfully mirroring that of my God, my Beloved, Jesus.

I am having a constant revelation of His love for me this week. I am listening to Mike Bickel’s teaching on Song of Solomon. Some of you just rolled your eyes and are now tuning out. Hahaha… this was a book that always intrigued me, I knew there were more to the words than what I understood. There is mention of spices, scents, flowers and singsong words that didn’t make sense, until now! (Well it’s starting to)

I started taking the words in this song and believing them, reading them with different eyes. Giving thanks for them, and praying them. I’ll explain what I mean. 

 Song of Solomon 1:2 & 4:9

1:2a- “May He (Jesus) kiss me with the kisses of his mouth (word, is what mouth is translated to in this verse). The “Bride” is speaking to her heavenly Father, about her Jesus.

During the day I have been speaking them out, like this.

“Jesus may you kiss me with the kisses of your word. May your word, your truth reach deep into my heart, expanding my understanding, my capacity, my grid for your love for me. Your word, your truth speaks of a great love, let the greatness, the mind blowing greatness overtake my life, my heart, my relationships (present and future). Ruin me with a love I have yet to encounter. THANK YOU for paving the way so I have the ability to taste a love from a God that created the wonder and beauty in all I see. Wow, I am in awe, I am just a broken person that you have deemed worthy of your love, and you lavish it upon me, and when you look at me, you see me as whole.”

 1:2b- “for YOUR (Heavenly Father’s) love is better than wine (the glory and pleasure). She speaks to her heavenly father.

“Thank you Papa that your love is better than wine, than all the earthly pleasures. May I feel the intoxication of your love; I want to be overtaken by the ecstasy of your love. This love is what I crave, yearn for, long for and need in my life. Teach me how to understand it with my human mind, and into the depths of my spirit. May your love be the mirror image of the love I exude in my life. May my husband and I learn to love from your great example.“

4:9- “You have made My (Jesus’) heart beat faster” Jesus is speaking to His Bride, to you and I.

 “Jesus, my beloved. Thank you that I make your heart beat faster. Thank you, wow, I make your heart beat faster. Let that truth over take my heart and mind, allow that truth to expand and grow more and more every day. I want to be changed by that truth, WRECK ME with that revelation. Help me not to ever take that for granted, I must live my life differently…I, Lisa (insert your name) make your heart beat faster! This has been the cry of my heart to be seen as lovely, so lovely that with one glance of my eye I can cause a quickening of love in ones heart, and here you are, the Saviour of the world, your heart beats faster when you think of me, when I glance at you. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!” 

Wow…Wow… how can you not be changed by those thoughts, by those words, by HIS ACTIONS! He is a God worth serving, worth living a life of purity in every area. I want to love Him as well as He loves me. I want my life to be poured out before him as an offering, a sweet fragrance of love. My heart is forever changed, and I pray that you will also allow this revelation grow and deepen. That you would be rocked by a God that created you so He can love you. Died so He can love you then rose again and saved you so that He can love you forEVER. Yet, even if you never glanced His way, HE STILL LOVES YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.

Introduction made, and this is just a drop in the bucket, just a small glimpse of His VAST and GREAT LOVE.

This Song Is on Repeat for me... it's good!