The Choice
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 7:38PM It's Valentine's Day today, and nope, no dates for me this year. On my last blog, I spoke about relationships I had been involved with ending. At that time, I felt pretty good about how things ended. And now, I've realized, that I'm alone. I may have taken it too lightly in order to protect my heart or I was just being the positive person I always try so hard to be. There was still pain in my heart and plenty of disappointment and angry frustration. Feeling like I had done something wrong. I believe we've all experienced rejection, shame, loneliness in some way at some time in our lives. (I think self-rejection and self-hatred are some of the toughest enemies to beat). I wrote a short poem as I worked through these emotions of just wanting to give up on love. For me it wasn't just in a romantic sense. There were other issues with friends, family, and even God (who claims that He is Love), that it seemed easier to be numb, angry, or depressed than to choose to love. Unconditional love is a choice and not an easy one to make. I guess this poem reflects my choice to love myself first and then others, and not to allow shame or guilt to keep me from receiving love. To realize that no matter what mistakes I've made God and others see me as valuable, worthy of love, and with a beautiful future to look forward to.
The Choice
I could choose right now for my heart to grow cold, same old, same old, lack of gold in responsibility met
I could choose to close the door on love, freeze over the war for faith, hit rock bottom floor on hope
Now disappointed, now frustrated, now left deserted on a cliff steep and wretchedly dwindling. Hanging.
Or is there a fire that calls me? Enthralls me. Stalls me short in my tracks.
Come near there is a love greater on a higher plain. Through the mystery and pain I continue. But I still cannot see My Lover clearly.
Only faintly I hear a whisper. A groan. That drones out other sounds.
"Step forward to be found," it calls.
I lean forward. But suddenly am snapped back by insecurities' slap. Again injected by fear's sickening sap. Chilled fingers push me down upon the lap of shame.
I wince through an old, familiar voice. That noise. "You will not be loved."
Stuck. Lost. Captive to another lover. A refugee alone.
Where is that soothing, true whisper?
Hear my whimper. Rescue. Save. Deliver.
A kind letter. Something better than the bitterness that seeps into my skin,
Holding up my chin.
But I cannot look into these eyes of horror.
I struggle renewed. I hear that life's groan that's pursued me cry forth again.
"I will be loved.
I will continue to this journey's end."
Reader Comments (2)
Amy, I can relate! As happy as I am being single, I also sometimes wonder if I left "love" to protect myself, due to years of hurt, frustration and mistrust. I also wonder if I could have done more and I go over the things I could have done differently.....always second-guessing my actions or lack of. Love is a strange thing, yet we all run after it in many different ways. I hope one day you find love that will be fulfilling, long-lasting, and most of all - FUN!! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy being single and embrace the "love" that is sent your way through so many!
Marcie (Lisa's mom)
At first I didn't want to comment but what the heck; you have a very interesting blog and it takes a lot of guts to "confess" your virginity in this day and age. I'm 32 year old guy, physician, medical missionary, Church pianist, and a virgin. I know plenty of virgins in their 20s and 30s overseas but they are rare to find in Western countries. I guess it's a cultural thing; most cultures frown upon dating, prom, and Valentines Day. Your "poem" was amazing. Pretty deep stuff.