Thanksgiving

Some times in life it can be so easy to think of all the things we do not have or of all the things we are not.

Why can't you see

Freedom is sometimes just simply another perspective away?

Who could you be

If your lens was changed for a moment?

Would you still be the same?

-Kutless (Perspective) 

Thanksgiving. 

In this “season” I am finding freedom in the gift of gratitude. Every time I start to think of this "singleness" or of life without mom or of all the areas I feel weak or inadequate, I try to shift my perspective to the richness of this singleness, the sweet memories of life with mom, and the areas where I feel strong and secure; heaven knows this is not an easy task yet amazing how once I enter into that "space" of gratitude, my perspective changes. With this new perspective everything becomes brighter and more beautiful. 

One of the things I am most thankful for this year?

My ten little bearcats plus one bigger bearcat.

Sometimes I don’t know why God will entrust us and bless us with gifts we feel far too unworthy of receiving, or those incidences when we think we know what we need, only to be blindsided and given something totally different; the very thing we actually DO need (Oh, how silly we can be!). 

I haven’t necessarily been looking for love or a relationship over the past few months but I definitely didn’t think ‘preparation’ time for it would come in the form of coaching a women’s basketball team, in fact, that's the very last thing I would have thought.  

These 11 young women are teaching me everything, absolutely everything I need to know about being a woman of integrity, and yes, eventually a wife and mother of noble character.

The fog of the past 8 months is finally starting to clear, and through this Bearcat team I am reminded that life always comes back to being about people; you cannot escape this simple truth. The only time I really lose focus or lose my way is when I start to lose sight of the beautiful people all around me, ultimately when I forget to be thankful for them.

The answer to healing and growth is always love.  The more you care so deeply about people like the way I find myself caring for these Bearcats, the more it changes you from the inside out. When you fully invest yourself into the lives of people for no other reason other than to love them it strikes you down deep to your very core; you could never be the same again. You could never not be thankful. 

There are days where I feel absolutely exhausted at the thought of going in to a gym and leading a basketball practice, but it's a funny thing, love always wins. I feel I could never coach tired, I could never not dig up every last bit of energy within me because somehow my heart always comes alive with them and for them. I look around me on the court and my heart is beating gratitude for the gift of each and every Bearcat. I cannot express how great of a blessing this is! I lay my life down for them and in return they teach me to be the best I can be. I cannot just tell them how important it is to communicate, to extend grace, to be on time, to work hard or to be responsible; I too must follow my lead, I too must act, I too must be excellent. This will prepare me for many great things ahead.

And so, this thanksgiving, I am thankful. Thankful to have felt like I lost everything I ever loved this year only to gain it right back in a way I would have never expected. 

These Bearcat ladies partnered with God's grace have become like the wind beneath my wings. Indeed, I am thankful. 

"The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for the world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks." -Ann Voskamp

Old and new.

How can it be that a month has already passed. This has been such a rich few weeks! I have found myself in a season of waiting, waiting unlike I have ever waited before. Again I was reminded how it hurts to trust that deeply; to trust that your heart will not be dropped, to trust that against all common sense, this waiting will be good. And then the waiting gave way to grace. Grace to be human, grace to ask for and be granted permission. Thank you Lord!

And now, the season has shifted yet again. Now I find myself looking for the promises from the past. As I comb through my journals from the past decade, I see two things. First, pulling out the old things helps me to see how much I have grown. I am pleased to see that my thinking has become more secure, more faithful, more global. I also see that a few things I once thought were healthy wise and good, well.... they aren’t actually! A few years ago I participated in things that left scars and bruises that have taken a long while to heal. 

Still, the greatest treasure of looking back on the old is the recognition of the constant, faithfulness of God. He really is always faithful and true. Time and time again I see Him rescuing me, hear Him calling me, read about His embrace of me even in the midst of my muddiness and confusion. He has shown me time and time again how much He really loves me, really pursues me, really has great things in store for me. All He asks is that I take ahold of his outstretched hand, that I trust Him and don’t worry. He’s got it. Got it all. 

So today, my journalling is going to focus more on the words for tomorrow than the drudge of today. At least for now, I want to listen and hear and mark that this is the day when He speaks. 

New seasons, ever changing. 

Faithful hands, ever holding.

I look up and see 

joy

peace

right standing 

Time for 

Thanksgiving.

1000 Words

I don't "feel" like writing today, today, this week it has been a rollercoaster of emotion and so instead I am going to post a favorite piece of art. "They" say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My 1000 words is by Monet called The Boat at Giverny.

Summer Lovin'

I just finished an incredible summer, nothing like what I thought it would be, but truly life-changing.  In my last blog, I wrote about how I was considering whether to ask a guy out or not.  I really thought it was going to all work out with a little summer romance in my life, perhaps similar to what you'd find in the Grease song "Summer Nights."  

[Danny] Summer lovin' had me a blast [Sandy] Summer lovin' happened so fast [Danny] I met a girl crazy for me [Sandy] Met a boy cute as can be [Both] Summer days driftin' away, to uh-oh those summer nights

Sounds so fun, so dreamy, so romantic, but also "drifting' away," when I look at the calendar, and it is September.  Things have not progressed how I wanted them to or thought they would- ie. a dating relationship.  Maybe I missed my opportunity!  Maybe I will never get the romance I want!  The fears try to come in so quickly.  Recently, I had to take a hard look inside and realized I could have had a summer "fling" which does not need to be defined as a sexual relationship, but just dating for a short time and not being a truly committed relationship with a future in mind.  I felt like God spoke to me in that moment and said, "Is that what you want?  Just passion and excitement for a few weeks or months?  Because I'm sure you can find that, no problem.  What happens though when the emotions and thrill fades?  What is truly left?"  I had to agree.  I have had some short term relationships that have ended quickly, and I was left with nothing other than a mess to clean up.  Was that really what I was going after? 

I felt like He asked me, "Do you want to build something that will last for the rest of your life?  Even for eternity?"  That sounded wise, so I began to look for opportunities to build my own life and the lives of those around me.  Through my church, I took a class on finances.   I have heard enough stories to find out that arguments over finances is one of the top reasons why couples separate.  I knew I had some work to do on organizing my money, and so I took steps to conquering that giant in my life.  Then I took a class on public speaking, because that is something I would like to do more of soon.  I felt empowered and more prepared for my future and like I had overcome another one of my personal mountains that had previously towered over me. 

I also built stronger relationships with family members and friends, of whom I too often take advantage.  One of the most amazing people I know is my grandmother.  She is 84 and super healthy, witty (absolutely hilarious) and active in her community and the world.  She came and visited me for two weeks while I was in Uganda last year.  In August, she invited me to take a short trip with her up to 100 Mile House and around Canim Lake to revisit where she had taught 50 years ago.  At first I thought that sounded a little boring, not a place to find romance or the man of my dreams.  Secondly, that would definitely cut into my time, that I could spend trying to get to know this guy I liked.  The more I considered her invitation, though, the more I recognized that I did not know how many more years I would have with her, and that I should make the most of this golden opportunity.  My grandma is the best travelling partner ever.  It had been 50 since she had been there, but she remembered every vivid detail of every place and every person that she had met there (I don't seem to remember that much about what I did 5 months ago).  As she shared pieces of her life story, I was amazed by how knowing her history grounded me.  I was part of her story. All that she had been through had paved the way for me.  The world wasn't just focused around me and my little world.  One night at the Iron Horse Pub, over fettuchini and garlic prawns, she shared with me her love story and how she had met my grandfather.  There is nothing comparable to how her eyes sparkled and her face lit up as she shared her story of romance.  She described how she had "schemed" with her university friends to invite Peter, my grandfather, over for a first meal and then the rest was history!  Then she even gave me encouragement and advice on how to walk out my relationships.  That was empowering, uplifting, and inspiring!  I was reminded that I was not the first woman and wouldn't be the last woman to have walked this path through trials but into hope and joy.

As for friends and other family members, I have never had so much fun with them playing music around campfires,  dancing along beaches, and then watching meteor showers blaze across the sky.  I realized that these are the people who have walked with me faithfully through difficult times and good times and will walk with me in the future.  They are my safety net and my support people, not to mention true friends, and how easy it is to forget about those who love me most when in the middle of pursuing a new and exciting relationship-one which I do not even know if it will last or remain.   

The more I live, the more I believe that God is into writing epic poems through our lives, one that can truly be passed onto the next generation, just like my grandma has passed to me.  No, this poem or God-masterpiece is not for the faint of heart or for those who do not possess great patience and endurance.  His is a story of the deeds and adventures of heroic figures (who don't always feel like that's who they are).  They know, however, that they are not alone in this battle.  The last few months I have experienced such deep frustration and anger about my wait, but also laughed so uproariously with friends about events playing out between the possible man and myself.  I have also felt powerful when I have taken heroic but small steps towards building a foundation of trust and confidence with him.   Oh, the summer adventures!  Oh, what the fall will bring???!!!

Dating, Blind.

Some times you just have to stay open. There is something about taking a risk and living a bit on the edge even when you feel you have absolutely nothing to give. I remember a few blogs back I thought it might be the season of not dating. It was. then. But this. this is now. I suppose I learned in just a few short months that if you’re waiting for a “right” time to start dating again, it may never happen.

And so, a date or two came along and after a little bit (or a lot?!) of hesitation I accepted the opportunity to date. And yes, even blind.   

Oh the joys, oh the fear… Oh the COURAGE it takes to actually go out on a date with someone you have NEVER met before. Eeeek! Perhaps for some reason I thought being 30 years of age meant nothing to it? You know you just.. you just.. DO it (no sweat. totally cool, totally calm, totally collected). You just.. GO OUT. Oddly enough, much easier said than executed, this woman was shocked and rocked (insert roommates laughter here: HAHA!). 

For real though, I was pleased to experience how nice it feels to be treated like a lady. I wish for every girl out there to experience a date like the ones I have just been on. I guess the ultimate “wish” for all is for these dates to occur frequently -- not just on a “one time basis," rather a lifetime filled with cool dates with someone you truly love and who truly loves you.

I must say, I feel refreshed. The total nervousness and sick feeling (which if you're lucky, only lasts for the first few minutes of the actual date! Praise God!) pays off in the end. You get home, kick off your heels, or boots, or flip-flops, or what-have-you, and realize you just accomplished something which made you a little braver and a little bolder than you were before. This is a very cool thing! 

Perhaps for a time I started to feel worn down, as many of us some times do; just a tad bit numb to all that has happened over the past 6 months or so. The tragedies of life have a way of wanting to break us down and keep us down, they really can hurt and they really do hurt, it can be a fight to move on towards a brighter day. Some days the weight of it all can start to make you believe you're not lovely or attractive or worthy enough to be desired. Your heart may grow hard or cold or sad or old if you're not allowing it just enough light, love, grace, risk and adventure (among other things) to nurture it back to health and wholeness.  

To think, a simple date comes along out of nowhere and yup, you guessed it, right when I wasn’t “ready” for it. It just. was. No deceitful intentions, no expectations, no unhealthy attachments, no stifling codependencies, no major red flags (the kind that make you want to "go to the washroom" and stay there for the rest of the night!); it’s amazing what a solid, not to mention handsome, gorgeous smelling man can do to boost you right back up to where you belong. Among the living. Among the dreaming.

Just a date, yes; but enough to remind you that all hope is not gone, and perhaps you’re not as “unready” as you think to be treated to nice conversation and a nice meal. Even just once. Or twice. For now.