The week before my bounding leap, friends, mentors, and family all gave me their well-meaning but conflicting advice about how I should advance in my relationship with him.  "Drop him,"  "wait for him to lead," "tell him how you feel," they said.  It could have been quite confusing.  In my heart, though, I knew something had to change.  I concluded that it was a win-win decision to disclose my feelings to him.  Either way was not going to break me. Thankfully, God has led me to a level place where finally I know who I am.  I am a woman who is worthy of a great man. And so if this man wasn't interested, it would not speak to me of any of my own shortcomings- not being beautiful enough, good enough, or smart enough.  Quite simply he would not be the one for me, and I would simply be free to move on.  On the other hand, it could be the beginning of a great and sweeping romance.lol.   So why hide in darkness? 

When the moment of truth came, I thought it would be a big, earth-shattering moment, but I can't say that I was terribly eloquent, witty or audacious in my approach.   It was simple, straight to the point and a rather weak outburst,  "I have a confession, I like you!!!"  So, I'd also like to tell you everything became clear in that moment, but all I can say to end my first story is that my love story is still being written.  My bold jump was one step towards greater understanding, but there is still a journey to be traversed.  I can, however, stand confidently knowing that I have won a great personal victory, and my love life is very secure in God's hands.  I do wish He would hurry things up, though! 

But if my first story seems somewhat trivial, my second is not.  Something happened that forced me to feel the depth of how vulnerable life and love really are.  My sister and her husband were at the Boston marathon during the recent bombing.  My brother-in-law Ryan had planned this expedition for months in advance.  He had previously won the local Abbotsford "Run For Water" for the past two years.  Running the Boston marathon had seemed like the next challenge for him to undergo and overcome.  My sister Sophia also was enthusiastic to escape the mundane of Abbotsford life and see something new and exciting in the famous American city.  On the morning of April the 15th, I was busy managing twenty high-energy second graders.  It seemed just a typical day of teaching.  As I was strolling back after lunch to a peaceful afternoon with the kids, the PE teacher who I hardly knew stopped me and asked if I had heard about explosions at the Boston marathon.  My heart dropped as I stared at him in wide-eyed confusion and disbelief.  How was that even possible?  Surely, he must have made a mistake, but as I considered it more, no one could make that kind of error.  

I probably should have stopped quickly to text my sister to see if they were safe, but I tend towards over responsibility for my work. Who really knows how to respond in those moments either?  I chose instead to gather my students from outside and try to teach a regular lesson.  Bad idea.  The thoughts that bombarded my head over those final two hours of teaching sought to unnerve me.  I tried to focus on helping the students cut out beautiful spring flowers.  Spring flowers!  That should have kept me feeling cheery and looking on the bright, positive side of life.  Instead worst-case scenarios played over in my head, as we pinned their pretty pictures up on the class bulletin board.  I could only think of my own little nephew and niece and their parents whose lives may have been forever altered on that day.  As soon as my students had safely joined their parents, I raced back to the classroom and called my parents to see if they had received any news.  I breathed a sigh of relief as  I heard that Ryan and Sophia were safe, hiding away in their hotel (even if it was in Watertown).  As the story continued to unfurl, I discovered he had finished the race only an hour before the bombs had exploded. (Thank God that Ryan is a fast runner. Talk about running for your life?)  I became even more acutely aware of how close a call it was when later that night, I watched the news.  I saw the cloud of smoke arising, the people screaming and even falling at the very same finish line where Sophia had cheered so proudly for her husband only six minutes earlier.   

Even now, it is hard for me to process what has really happened. How can we process these tragedies?  Random thoughts but perhaps there is some life in them.  Time to to slow down.  Time to be thankful.   Time to turn our hearts to God.  Time to love those who have been broken and wounded.  Time to protect that which remains.  Time to hope for something better.  

I will end with a C.S. Lewis quote I began my previous blog with:  

To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in the casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable.  C.S. Lewis 4 Loves.

My prayer is that areas where my heart has been locked away and dead, the casket door would swing open.  That God would somehow redeem my life and story to burst forth healing through the sorrows but also the joys! 

I came across this today and it brought a new light to Love and I can't stop thinking about it. I thought I'd share!

Have you ever noticed that when you "fall in love" for the short time when you are 'swept-away' the one toward whom your affection is directed can do no wrong? Your judgement of them is blind, you see only beauty, and you feel like you're in heaven... Maybe it's a beautiful gift from our Father, a slice of heaven hard wired into us as a reminder. Maybe its the closest thing to heaven we can feel in these bodies. 

Some trivialize this state and call it "infatuation" as if those first feelings are substandard to "real love." 

What if we have it backwards? What if during that early non-judgmental period we are have a glimpse of what following Jesus teaching not to judge really is like? What if that's how God feels about you? Or try this: Imagine falling in love with everyone you meet... I mean, really... seeing them beyond all judgement. You would be one happy camper, wouldn't you? I'm not talking about romance as such, but crazy, can do no wrong affection. Perhaps the kingdom of heaven among us is such a place, here and now. 

Who here wants to fall in love over and over and over and forever? 

Thoughts by Lisa:

I know thats how Jesus loves us, and what stops us from doing the same, or at least make an effort of living this way. Looking at those around and not seeing thier flaws first but seeing love through non-judgemental eyes. I need to start living like this, I know how been challanged and will choose not to be the same again.

LOVE COVERS ALL!!!

1. There is a PANDORAS box of wedding ideas, thoughts, suggestions, lists, services available to you. Before you open the box, STOP. Decide with your Man what you want your wedding to be about- who is it about. For us, we decided that this really is all about celebrating an amazing miracle done by God (the miracle of love for one another). Our number one guest is Jesus. So everything we would decide to do that day would honor Him. It was from that place that we then could make decisions on the how, what, where and how much!

2. Be engaged. The season before marriage is precious. This is your last time in your whole life that you are going to be a 'fiance'. Enjoy the middle land and learn the thing that you are to learn in order to be prepared for this great new adventure. Spend time with your girlfriends. Clean out your boxes of the past things you won't need any more. Take time to be just you and God. I have found that during this time of longing to just start my life with him I can sometimes forget the beauty in that longing. When I can capture what it is that I am longing for, and name the pain of the wait, I somehow find myself being more thankful for all that is coming.

3. Keep it pure. Long-distance has certainly helped us with physical boundaries, but what about my thoughts? Walking down the aisle toward my Husband to be I don't want to just be a physical 'virgin', I want to know that with the grace and strength of the Lord, I walk toward him pure in my heart. This is no easy task! Finding the man you have been waiting for is incredible! And let me just say, it takes me getting my eyes onto the bigger picture to see that watching how I think about him will be honoring for him in our marriage.

4. Beware of Pintrest!! If you have any creative bone in your bridal body you are going to LOVE the ideas on Pintrest! There is everything on there! But when your roommate finds you sitting in the dark with nothing but the glow of the computer screen to illuminate your half-opened 2AM eyes, it's time to shut that pinning down! Take a breath! I found that 'all the ideas' suddenly started making any idea seem not quite enough. I had to go on a pintrest fast! I decided I would pray before pinning; that I would go to God with ideas and wait to hear what He had to say first. This lead to WAY more peace and far more sleep!

5. When you find your dress, stop looking at other dresses. You are going to be beautiful on your special day, regardless of what you are wearing. There are a lot of pretty dresses, an hundreds that will look great on you. Find one that gives your heart bubbles of peace. Then stop looking at other ones and comparing. I am not sure I know of many situations where comparing has helped get more peace.

6. Honor your family. This is a big deal for them too. Be careful with their hearts and be creative to navigate how to make the important people feel special. Be open and honest about how you feel about them. Love and communicate.

7. Take time to just be with your fiance, not talking about wedding agendas or decisions that need to be made. There is still so much to know about him- you will have a lifetime of getting to know him! Enjoy this season with him. And when you're making decisions about invitations, guest lists, color schemes... talk it out with him. Maybe more guys want to have input into what their wedding day than we give them credit for. Respect him by hearing his perspective too.

8. well... to be announced I guess. 

There is only 9 weeks left until I get married and still I know there will be much to learn. As I write this list I think of telling myself all of these things. What a glorious season it has and is to be engaged!

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. C.S. Lewis 4 Loves.

Thanks Tam for helping me re-find this quote. It has brought me great comfort through a week that has felt tougher than the "tough mudder." As some of you know I did the "tough mudder" last June. It is challenging obstacle course where your body is pushed to its furthest physical limits. But heartache and emotional pain are a million times harder to deal with than any physical pain, at least in my experience.

Everyone deals with heartache in some form or another. I love how C. S. Lewis points out so poignantly that our hearts can be broken even by "an animal." How many people have felt the deep sorrow of a pet dying?

Then there is the pain of friends moving away (we miss you, Lisa!). Friends who get married or are preparing to get married like lovely Miss Danielle. I am genuinely happy for the changes in these people's lives. I see they are being led into amazing new opportunities and adventures, but there is also a part of me that is deeply saddened. There's a part of me that suddenly feels lonely and perhaps afraid of a new season that is coming. Change is always hard on my heart.

I always try to be brave and strong through changes. But my ultimate test came when a young man I respect, look up to and would have to confess I am very interested in, hurt me. I realized that the man that I had perhaps idolized is not always sensitive, sweet or kind. When I look back at what happened, it probably had more to do with the fact that men and women seem to speak very different languages. No, not intentionally. He had no idea.I had opened my heart to him at least in part, and he seemed to squish it, or at least ignore it and not understand my words and actions. I went from holding him on the highest pedestal to being angry at him. How does that happen so quickly eh?

But in the midst of my "heartbreak," I am grateful that I had the grace to go to God with my pain. Of course I started my regular complaints about how long I have waited for my husband. Jesus always seems to know how to bring me comfort. Last time I reminded him, "I have been waiting for 32 years for this promise of my husband!" I felt like Jesus gently commented back, "Well, I have been waiting for 2000 years for my Bride to be unified and to love me."

I began to look upon the One who was willing to make Himself vulnerable for me. The one who was willing to have His heart ripped open. I'm speaking of Jesus Christ. Some people have said that when He was crucified, He actually died of a broken heart not from the physical pain. When a spear was driven into His side blood and water flowed out, which is typical of anyone who died of heart break. I can think of no more of a vulnerable place for God's Son to put Himself than with His arms stretched wide open on two sticks of wood between heaven and earth. His body bruised and battered, pulverized by pain and even torture. I know it is a horrific picture, but perhaps it is also a place of healing in that there is no pain that He cannot relate to. God knows our physical pain, but He also knows our relational pain. He was rejected by those who had been His friends. He was betrayed by Judas and even by an expression of intimacy-a kiss.

We still so often reject Him. We chose to walk away or ignore His love. But if we desire, we can still look up at Him and hear Him tenderly ask, "Will You receive what I have done for you?" He has made Himself vulnerable to us. He has bared His heart wide open. He will never deny the love that He has for us. He has chosen to forgive us. He has chosen to continue loving us and make Himself vulnerable despite the heartache we have caused Him by our selfishness or even simply our ignorance.

A jealous and loving God is calling out, He’s calling you to go higher, deeper, farther with Him. He’s calling your name. His love is an endless depth of greatness. If this isn’t truth to you, if you don’t see God that way, no worries, I’ll introduce ya to that God. He’s here, available, seeking and loving you.

I believe in a God that created all the beauty of this world and yet is more satisfied in watching your beauty. He created you, to love you. He formed and fashioned you, to LOVE YOU. If you never said a kind word to Him or about Him, if you denied Him all the days of your life that would NEVER change the great depth and power of His love for you.

GOD LOVES YOU!

I know this might seem obvious to some, but this truth is SINKING in more and more. The more I believe the truth of His unrelenting love, making it my very core and life mandate, the more prepared I will be to love and honour my husband when the time is here. It will come from a healthy place of such depth and prayerfully mirroring that of my God, my Beloved, Jesus.

I am having a constant revelation of His love for me this week. I am listening to Mike Bickel’s teaching on Song of Solomon. Some of you just rolled your eyes and are now tuning out. Hahaha… this was a book that always intrigued me, I knew there were more to the words than what I understood. There is mention of spices, scents, flowers and singsong words that didn’t make sense, until now! (Well it’s starting to)

I started taking the words in this song and believing them, reading them with different eyes. Giving thanks for them, and praying them. I’ll explain what I mean. 

 Song of Solomon 1:2 & 4:9

1:2a- “May He (Jesus) kiss me with the kisses of his mouth (word, is what mouth is translated to in this verse). The “Bride” is speaking to her heavenly Father, about her Jesus.

During the day I have been speaking them out, like this.

“Jesus may you kiss me with the kisses of your word. May your word, your truth reach deep into my heart, expanding my understanding, my capacity, my grid for your love for me. Your word, your truth speaks of a great love, let the greatness, the mind blowing greatness overtake my life, my heart, my relationships (present and future). Ruin me with a love I have yet to encounter. THANK YOU for paving the way so I have the ability to taste a love from a God that created the wonder and beauty in all I see. Wow, I am in awe, I am just a broken person that you have deemed worthy of your love, and you lavish it upon me, and when you look at me, you see me as whole.”

 1:2b- “for YOUR (Heavenly Father’s) love is better than wine (the glory and pleasure). She speaks to her heavenly father.

“Thank you Papa that your love is better than wine, than all the earthly pleasures. May I feel the intoxication of your love; I want to be overtaken by the ecstasy of your love. This love is what I crave, yearn for, long for and need in my life. Teach me how to understand it with my human mind, and into the depths of my spirit. May your love be the mirror image of the love I exude in my life. May my husband and I learn to love from your great example.“

4:9- “You have made My (Jesus’) heart beat faster” Jesus is speaking to His Bride, to you and I.

 “Jesus, my beloved. Thank you that I make your heart beat faster. Thank you, wow, I make your heart beat faster. Let that truth over take my heart and mind, allow that truth to expand and grow more and more every day. I want to be changed by that truth, WRECK ME with that revelation. Help me not to ever take that for granted, I must live my life differently…I, Lisa (insert your name) make your heart beat faster! This has been the cry of my heart to be seen as lovely, so lovely that with one glance of my eye I can cause a quickening of love in ones heart, and here you are, the Saviour of the world, your heart beats faster when you think of me, when I glance at you. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!” 

Wow…Wow… how can you not be changed by those thoughts, by those words, by HIS ACTIONS! He is a God worth serving, worth living a life of purity in every area. I want to love Him as well as He loves me. I want my life to be poured out before him as an offering, a sweet fragrance of love. My heart is forever changed, and I pray that you will also allow this revelation grow and deepen. That you would be rocked by a God that created you so He can love you. Died so He can love you then rose again and saved you so that He can love you forEVER. Yet, even if you never glanced His way, HE STILL LOVES YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.

Introduction made, and this is just a drop in the bucket, just a small glimpse of His VAST and GREAT LOVE.

This Song Is on Repeat for me... it's good!

 Some time ago I went to London. I went to study a course I had looked forward to taking for nearly four years. I was accepted to go to the course in the Fall, but I had absolutely no peace about going then. Strange as it felt, I requested a deferal for my acceptance until the spring intake. 

And so, there I was, in March 2012 walking up the small path to the lovely home where I would stay with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. In this home I would live out one of the most beautiful seasons of my life; a unique time of slowing down the hectic pace and rekindling a joy for a simple life. It was a time to fall in love with the One who desires to be loved and to love more than any other. It was a time to be inspired. This was a season that would refresh and realign my life forever. 

The day before I left Canada I started ‘dating’ an eligible bachelor from home. I could picture what I thought life would be like with this man the minute I met him in that Canadian coffee shop.  “A life with this man would be safe,” I decided. He has a great job, his is nice and loves Jesus, and even lives near my family. He was the kind of guy who was intentional about not only arranging the next time we could meet or talk, but the next two times. So we decided to pursue a long distance relationship and arranged weekly Skype dates and phone calls. Things progressed, and a few months after I had been in London, he took the bold step to cross the ocean to visit me.

 Sometimes things are more than what they seem. 

The day I arrived at my new British home I handed my large red duffle bag to a young man who offered to carry up the long flight of stairs to my room. Not only was I impressed by his kindness, but I was also taken with his strength as this bag was heavily laden with five months worth of my precious things. When he came back down the stairs I found myself looking at him a few seconds longer than I expected I would, his dark hair and kind eyes being set off with a beaming grin and drive-a-girl-crazy stubble, not to mention the accent! I quickly put my heart in check, switching to my thoughts to ‘friend’ mode and imagined what a delight it would be to get to know this intriguing young man.

Weeks turned into months and I found myself discovering a unique connection with the boy upstairs. We spoke of things of the Lord with a unique mutual understanding and delighted to discover we enjoyed looking at life from a very similar perspective. I was more than inspired by his love for Jesus, his genuine, make-you-sing-in-the-kitchen adoration of Jesus. We both loved people, saw heaven in a similar way, understood missions as a similar life-calling and even both enjoyed sharing dessert. More and more I found myself opening up to this man in an authentic way, seeking his opinion on things, respecting his perspective. We shared openly about what we wanted in a spouse, how we dreamt of our families, what our future goals and dreams were. All the while I was so overwhelmed with his responses, thinking time and time again “Lord, can you make my husband like HIM!?” I knew within the first three days of being in London that I would want to be this man’s friend forever.  

Coming to see me in London was a critical step for the Canadian and I. We had never spent so much time together and we were both eager to discover if this was a relationship ready for more commitment. We had a wonderful time with great adventures, and when he left two weeks later I was sad to see him go. But more than that, I found myself longing to spend more time with my British housemate as we had only had small moments to have one-on-one time together while my boyfriend was visiting. 

During the post-visit-analysis I quickly realized that the Canadian and I were on two separate paths. We loved the same Jesus, but knew Him so differently. Where his comfort zone was, my panic zone started; panic for me looked like endless days in the same place speaking the same language, while his panic zone was to be in various places for an unknown amount of time for an unknown reason in the midst of an unknown language. The Lord was gracious to give me the image of a glass house with a piece of wood being put on it; although wood is a strong, appropriate material for building houses, it does’t belong on a glass one. Even though I could have chosen the life with safety, the Lord gently showed me that there could be something different for me. So I ended things with the Canadian in a moment that felt like turning from the Shire to the icy mountain pathway. The trail over the mountain would lead to a lush a beautiful valley, I just couldn’t see how from this side, but I trusted.

At that same time I found myself coming to the stark realization that my feelings for my British buddy were going much deeper than friendship. We found ourselves communicating with nothing more than looks across a room. We started finishing one another’s sentences and increasingly preferring to spend time together. This was a very difficult time as we both worked to guard our hearts and keep things pure and rightly-attached between us. I prayed daily to break any inappropriate soul ties with him. And as things increased between us, I realized that I would have to share with this most amazing friend, that yes indeed I was starting to see him as more. 

This was the most intimidating thing I have ever had to do in my life! The scenario in my mind went something like this: I would tell him how I felt, he would say ‘that’s nice, I don’t feel the same way, lets be friends....” only things would never be the same because we would both begin to keep our hearts close and guarded against further emotional connection.

Sometimes, and I am finding out that more often than not, what the Lord has planned for us is more than we imagine, more than we even dared to hope. I realized that I had hoped for the ‘best’ man, my Viking, to come. But I was actually expecting less. I had started telling myself that the man for me would be someone kind and loving and a lover of Jesus... but was he attractive? Would he be fun and delightful? Would he be such a match for me that I would be forever only a match for him? I had started doubting that he would be great, I had started expecting less than great from God. 

Oh ye of little faith. Why do you doubt?

On January 1st I was asked the most important question any person has ever asked me. On that first day of the year, I was asked if I would  join my life with the man of my dreams. He literally is just that- the man of my dreams. He is more than I ever expected or could have anticipated. We match perfectly, calling out more of who we are when we are together than when we are apart. When I am with him I can feel myself running faster toward the future. I love him more completely and immensely than I have ever loved another human before. In fact, I began to question if I have ever loved before. He is the one who I was made for, and I am the one made for him. Before we were even born the Lord knew we would stand before one another and the question would be asked.... and I would answer,

yes, I will marry you. 

Life shifted at that instant. 

Every hour I dreamt of him, longed for him, cried out for him.... every tear I cried as I waited to meet him and trusted deep for him and groaned inwardly for him.... every one I looked at and sought a forever gaze to look back at me..... seems but a small pile of precious dust in the face of a life lived loving this man. 

He loves to know my thoughts about him before I even met him. It delights us both to think of how God literally moved heaven and earth to bring us to one another. I am now scouring my journals for words that I wrote to him from a time when I only dreamt about him. These are the diamonds revealed in this season; each bold act of faith toward and about this man now bears such joyful fruit. This is a season of harvesting golden fruit of joy and love that were sown in faith and watered by tears. Beauty exchanged for ashes. 

 As he and I delightfully plan for a wedding and our forever together, I see just how quickly everything changes. What a glorious story. What a beautiful beginning. More than I expected, but just what I had hoped for.

My "prayers" were answered in an unexpected form when for the first two weeks of January, I was flat out on my back in some of the worst pain of my life. Not exactly how I was hoping to start off this new year; but even in that place, God gave me the grace to follow Him. No, it was not easy. No, there were hours and days it felt like my worst interpretation of hell on earth. Anyone who has experienced intense lower back pain knows what I am talking about. Pain-killers wouldn't cut the pain. Chiropractors didn't succeed. I would lie awake until 5am tossing and turning, because I could find no comfortable way to sleep.

The flip side? My trial gave me an excuse not to go back to teaching right away after Christmas (One day I decided to try and teach thirty kids while a little "drugged up" on pain killers; definitely not a good idea). I also had free time to read my Bible and to talk to God-something that I often do not take enough time to do. And my favourite? I could spend hours playing my piano and pouring out my pain to My Heavenly Father. I know He valued that I was willing to take my suffering to Him and transform it into a beautiful, though, sometimes raw and rough, song rather than surrendering to self-pity or anger at Him for allowing me to go through this trial.

And there is always some humour to be found in the midst of a dark hour of testing. The funniest (though slightly humiliating) part would have to be when the young man I am very interested in visited my family for a special dinner. When i agreed to get a tool for him from the basement to fix our dishwasher, I couldn't even make it back up the stairs without trembling and gasping in pain. After dinner, I tried to stand and dry the dishes (we didn't get the dishwasher fixed), but I couldn't even do that. Finally, he graciously relieved me from my cleaning duties by motioning for the dishcloth. I relinquished my job apprehensively, as I assumed my new role as the "pointer." The plate goes there…the pot goes there.. the silverware there. Grrrrrr. I hate feeling immobilized, weak, and fully incapable. It was not the lasting impression I was hoping to make, but then again, maybe it gave him an opportunity to show me his kindness. I could look into his eyes and see compassion and grace-characteristics i need to see in a man's eyes. He prayed for me afterward and I felt genuine peace, peace that God was with me and that He was leading me. Peace that whether things worked out how I wanted them to or not, I was going to be ok. I was loved.

Today my back is almost 100% better, which I am sooooo grateful for. (Thank God for good physiotherapists and lots of prayer). The world looks a whole lot more cheery even if the weather may be grey and rainy outside. Last week I had an awesome 32nd birthday with so many great friends and Korean karaoke with English songs (need I say more).

Valentine's Day is coming soon. Not sure what that will bring, but I am content knowing My Father is faithful throughout every season of my life. He has wept with me through the falls and deep cuts along my long journey, and I know He will be with me rejoicing on another coming summit. What a view it is going to be!!! He created it just for me.

I finished hanging my last poster of love and encouragement in the nest today. I turned off the lights in my room for the last time. I took a walk around trying to capture and remember all the details of our lovely home. Threw the key on the table and let the tears flow as I closed the door one last time. I know this is going to be a great adventure because I follow a God that loves to dream up and create the greatest adventures for His kids.

I had a paradigm shift happen this Christmas. I was planning and packing my bags, for California in the early months of 2013 when God uncovered what He had in mind. He has something for my in London, Ontario. “WHAT?! God, Are you sure?” was my first response and then it all just seemed to fit together! It was crazy how God takes time to prepare you and shape you and turn you down the path you are called to go.

I knew something BIG was/is coming and I wasn’t sure quite what it was at Christmas. As the decisions on when to move back loomed over the thinking and planning side of my brain, I knew I needed to be back here ASAP. I booked a one-way train fare across Canada from Vancouver to Toronto leaving January 8, 2013. Six days after arriving back in BC, I was headed toward Toronto and then London. It would take me 4 days to travel across country and I was glad for the adventure and photo opportunities along with the idea of seeing my country across as many different winter scenes as I could imagine.

Five days before I left, I received a call from my sister Breanna, say my mom had been taken to the hospital and she was feeling ill. No one knew what was going on or what the cause of her upset stomach. In 24 hours she went from being ill, to being taken into emergency surgery and I was “saying my goodbyes” over the phone. She had an appendix infection, it didn’t burst but the Dr. said it was the worst case she had ever seen, ever. It didn’t look good as the infection spread throughout her abdominal cavity and they expected the worst. These were moments when panic wanted to choke me and jump to the worst conclusion of this situation. I had moments where I would replay the “no matter what happens to me, know that I love you” conversation between my mom and I, and think this can’t be real. I clung to peace like a sinking ship in the middle of a chaotic storm.

She went into surgery and we received the BEST outcome possible. They had cleared as much of the infection as they could and removed the appendix. In the hour plus she was in surgery, I had my dear Tamara beside me, stroking my hair and praying over me. I can’t explain those moments where I felt extreme peace quickly shattered by a fear that made my catch my breath and created a feeling of wanting to get outside this situation, then back to extreme peace. I prayed and claimed and stood firm in the God I know, the one that loves my mom more than I do and the one that is THE best physician that I could possibly hope in.

As I packed over the last few days of being in Abbotsford, I had moments of that panic every once in awhile, I felt I couldn’t get to her fast enough; I trusted in my Papa and leaned in close during those days and enjoyed and soaked up my last few hurrah’s with my girls, the nest and my church family. We celebrated and laughed and cried and remembered all the good times, all the fun and all the adventures. The last 2 years in BC were fantastic and grand and quite the adventure; experiencing the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Together.

I had Tam taking me and my 4 hockey bags, 2 suitcases and 2 carry-ons to the train station on January 8, at 8pm. Wow, those four days where the longest and shortest I have ever experienced. I had 2 seats to my self and soon got into a routine. I like the train, a few of us that were “in it for the long haul” created a little community, we chatted and got to know each other and why we where going to Ontario and where we were coming from in BC.

I had moments of panic with my mom as she wasn’t “out of the woods” during my long 4 day journey. I had one day with no cell service at all and so I could only rely and trust that God knew what the end story was going to be and I could trust Him no matter what. Sometimes terrible and devastating things happen to great people and we can’t explain why, but one thing I do know is we can’t blame God either. The only thing I can rely on is that He loves me, He loves you and that love is so deep that when we hurt, He hurts. He created a way by His son Jesus to be the comfort, for us to know the heart of a father that LOVES and LOVES fiercely and to understand that when we hurt, He hurts.

It has been a week and a half since I got home and it has been GOOD to be home. My mom was released from the hospital 3 days after I got home and it was good to hug her and kiss her and see her with my own eyes and to know she was on the mend. I know this is why I was to move back here and why it was ASAP that the timing had to be. I needed to assist in my mom’s recovery; this was my role to play.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes you have to leap and trust God has a reason when you can’t see it to have you change your direction. He is a God that is faithful in His love for us and plans for our lives. It’s a great adventure full of thrill, highs and lows, but HE IS ALWAYS CONSTANT, HE NEVER MOVES and IS NEVER SHAKEN, that truth is one we can rely on, trust in and count on.

This short 1 month journey has changed me for the better, I am different in a way that was needed. I have a level of trust in my God like never before and a love for Him that will never burn out. He has shaped me into someone I like to see in the mirror every morning and I am THANKFUL for this opportunity to return home. I know there is so much more coming my way and I feel like I am on the precipice of drastic and life altering change, whatever it may be (wink, wink, my husband is coming I can feel it). Hahahaha.

If you face hard choices, or find yourself in a paradigm shift trust in the One who is faithful, constant, safe and above all loving; He will steer you down the path you should go, the cliff you should jump off of and the life you shall boldly lead. Don't allow fear to hold you back. Fly sweet birdy, FLY.  

The more I journey on in this "singleness" the more I am beginning to understand how being in a relationship with someone and sharing life with someone is a gift, the more I am learning to cherish love and not take it for granted when it does come along, the more excited I am at the simple thought of having a ‘boyfriend” again.
 

Earlier in 2012, a really amazing woman had a dream that Lisa and I would receive beautiful gifts. In this particular dream, the content and timing of these gifts were not disclosed. Simply gifts from God, elegantly wrapped and by the sounds of it, when described to me, not actual gifts of this world – gifts of heaven - sparkling and radiant. 

It seems a bit silly to think of how enthralled I am by the image of these mysterious gifts in my mind considering I’m not even sure what my “gift” represents (although I have a pretty good idea!) nor have I ever been particularly interested in how a gift is wrapped or presented. I’m one of those "let’s get er’ open and see what’s inside” kind of girls; it has never really been my thing to open a gift slowly or carefully, I would much prefer to rip the dang thing apart to see what's inside (ASAP!).

Now the funny thing about this “gift” is that I can only envision it at this point, I cannot actually see it with my own two eyes. It’s not even wrapped and sitting underneath a tree this time of year waiting for me to open it on Christmas morning (at least it wasn't this year).

But there is something about being hopeful.

There is something about being patient. 

There is something about the waiting; waiting to see what’s inside this delicate, splendid, mysterious gift.

You have to hold the gift with open hands, stand back and trust unhesitatingly. You have to trust that in not giving in and opening it before it is due to be opened you will receive something far greater than you could ever imagine. The gift will be golden.

And so... this holiday season, although I didn't have a great, exquisite gift to open, I trust and I wait; perhaps by this time next year I will have opened my gift and the wait will be over...  

It snowed last night! And everything is covered in sticky, fluffy, quiet white. The snow slows everything down; drivers take their time and keep their distance; shoppers consider if they really ‘need’ to go and purchase that final item; Christmas bustle is muted into grace-full contemplation. This shift into peace is what I crave every Christmas.  Without the snow, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop long enough to participate in the peace. Living in a land where winter is marked by more rain than snow I have found myself surprised by Christmas and so often in the past four years I have felt a mad dash to finish shopping and packing and preparing before the 25th. But this year a blanket of grace covers over the superfluous and allows my gaze to drift upward and outward. 

Tomorrow the Man of My Dreams will enter into my everyday reality. The past five months have been a beautiful and intense time of growing in intimacy and love with endless hours on Skype and even more time in a ‘love bubble’ of thought. Tomorrow will mark the conclusion of one season of separation and herald another season of deepening love and intimacy as he comes and meets my natural and ‘adopted’ families. I can hardly wait for him to sit with me on the couch, walk with me on the familiar running trail, be with me as the day progresses in the same time zone. I am so thankful for what has grown in the light of our ‘long distance-ness’, a unique deepening of our love that has been intense and intentional. I love him more today than ever before, but less than I will love him tomorrow. Daily I discover how well-suited we are, how attracted we are to one another, how our dreams flow together, how our differences increase our mutual love and admiration. I have been excitedly getting ready for his arrival, wanting everything to be perfectly prepared for him. I have such a desire to prepare a massive, soft, cushy pillow of love and joy and peace for him to land in when he arrives. 

Yet, today, as I sit in the snow-muffled world around me, my eyes are drawn up from the meticulous preparation for the arrival of the Man of My Dreams and I stop to remember just how much I just want to be with him, whatever the circumstances are. I find myself, a 31 year-old professional woman, suddenly aching for this Man’s support and strength. What a gift to simply be with him, regardless if there are cookies baked or the house looks perfect. I could loose ten pounds, I could decorate, plan and prepare more.... but instead today I stop and shift into peace. This time will be perfect, just as it is.

It will be perfect because love will come into the midst of everyday and encounter raw and unkempt reality, like a little baby in an animal’s manger. I bet Mary wanted to have everything ‘perfectly ready’ for when the man of all her hopes and dreams arrived. I bet she wanted things to be ‘just so’. But He didn’t come into the perfect; Love Himself arrived into what the world considered insufficient and less than. But Jesus didn’t care- as far as He was concerned, the story, the timing, the setting was all perfect.  Blessed is she who can look beyond the less-than-perfect circumstances to behold the light of love before her. 

Today I am really thankful for the snow, sent by He who delights in quieting the distraction and create the ‘perfect’ moment for Love to come.