Love is Vulnerable

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. C.S. Lewis 4 Loves.

Thanks Tam for helping me re-find this quote. It has brought me great comfort through a week that has felt tougher than the "tough mudder." As some of you know I did the "tough mudder" last June. It is challenging obstacle course where your body is pushed to its furthest physical limits. But heartache and emotional pain are a million times harder to deal with than any physical pain, at least in my experience.

Everyone deals with heartache in some form or another. I love how C. S. Lewis points out so poignantly that our hearts can be broken even by "an animal." How many people have felt the deep sorrow of a pet dying?

Then there is the pain of friends moving away (we miss you, Lisa!). Friends who get married or are preparing to get married like lovely Miss Danielle. I am genuinely happy for the changes in these people's lives. I see they are being led into amazing new opportunities and adventures, but there is also a part of me that is deeply saddened. There's a part of me that suddenly feels lonely and perhaps afraid of a new season that is coming. Change is always hard on my heart.

I always try to be brave and strong through changes. But my ultimate test came when a young man I respect, look up to and would have to confess I am very interested in, hurt me. I realized that the man that I had perhaps idolized is not always sensitive, sweet or kind. When I look back at what happened, it probably had more to do with the fact that men and women seem to speak very different languages. No, not intentionally. He had no idea.I had opened my heart to him at least in part, and he seemed to squish it, or at least ignore it and not understand my words and actions. I went from holding him on the highest pedestal to being angry at him. How does that happen so quickly eh?

But in the midst of my "heartbreak," I am grateful that I had the grace to go to God with my pain. Of course I started my regular complaints about how long I have waited for my husband. Jesus always seems to know how to bring me comfort. Last time I reminded him, "I have been waiting for 32 years for this promise of my husband!" I felt like Jesus gently commented back, "Well, I have been waiting for 2000 years for my Bride to be unified and to love me."

I began to look upon the One who was willing to make Himself vulnerable for me. The one who was willing to have His heart ripped open. I'm speaking of Jesus Christ. Some people have said that when He was crucified, He actually died of a broken heart not from the physical pain. When a spear was driven into His side blood and water flowed out, which is typical of anyone who died of heart break. I can think of no more of a vulnerable place for God's Son to put Himself than with His arms stretched wide open on two sticks of wood between heaven and earth. His body bruised and battered, pulverized by pain and even torture. I know it is a horrific picture, but perhaps it is also a place of healing in that there is no pain that He cannot relate to. God knows our physical pain, but He also knows our relational pain. He was rejected by those who had been His friends. He was betrayed by Judas and even by an expression of intimacy-a kiss.

We still so often reject Him. We chose to walk away or ignore His love. But if we desire, we can still look up at Him and hear Him tenderly ask, "Will You receive what I have done for you?" He has made Himself vulnerable to us. He has bared His heart wide open. He will never deny the love that He has for us. He has chosen to forgive us. He has chosen to continue loving us and make Himself vulnerable despite the heartache we have caused Him by our selfishness or even simply our ignorance.

The Crash and the Summit

February is here already. We have survived January of our new year 2013! Doesn't Christmas and New Year's feel like forever ago? It seems to me like the holiday season was a real "high" of parties and family and friends and feasts. I even went to a masquerade ball where I felt like a gorgeous Cinderella even if it was without a prince. At the end of the festivities and celebration, however, I experienced a bit of an emotional crash. What? No more parties? Why do I feel so empty? So alone? What? I have to go back to work? Normal routine? I am not generally good with monotonous schedules, so I was not looking forward to returning to my world of the substitute teacher.

My "prayers" were answered in an unexpected form when for the first two weeks of January, I was flat out on my back in some of the worst pain of my life. Not exactly how I was hoping to start off this new year; but even in that place, God gave me the grace to follow Him. No, it was not easy. No, there were hours and days it felt like my worst interpretation of hell on earth. Anyone who has experienced intense lower back pain knows what I am talking about. Pain-killers wouldn't cut the pain. Chiropractors didn't succeed. I would lie awake until 5am tossing and turning, because I could find no comfortable way to sleep.

The flip side? My trial gave me an excuse not to go back to teaching right away after Christmas (One day I decided to try and teach thirty kids while a little "drugged up" on pain killers; definitely not a good idea). I also had free time to read my Bible and to talk to God-something that I often do not take enough time to do. And my favourite? I could spend hours playing my piano and pouring out my pain to My Heavenly Father. I know He valued that I was willing to take my suffering to Him and transform it into a beautiful, though, sometimes raw and rough, song rather than surrendering to self-pity or anger at Him for allowing me to go through this trial.

And there is always some humour to be found in the midst of a dark hour of testing. The funniest (though slightly humiliating) part would have to be when the young man I am very interested in visited my family for a special dinner. When i agreed to get a tool for him from the basement to fix our dishwasher, I couldn't even make it back up the stairs without trembling and gasping in pain. After dinner, I tried to stand and dry the dishes (we didn't get the dishwasher fixed), but I couldn't even do that. Finally, he graciously relieved me from my cleaning duties by motioning for the dishcloth. I relinquished my job apprehensively, as I assumed my new role as the "pointer." The plate goes there…the pot goes there.. the silverware there. Grrrrrr. I hate feeling immobilized, weak, and fully incapable. It was not the lasting impression I was hoping to make, but then again, maybe it gave him an opportunity to show me his kindness. I could look into his eyes and see compassion and grace-characteristics i need to see in a man's eyes. He prayed for me afterward and I felt genuine peace, peace that God was with me and that He was leading me. Peace that whether things worked out how I wanted them to or not, I was going to be ok. I was loved.

Today my back is almost 100% better, which I am sooooo grateful for. (Thank God for good physiotherapists and lots of prayer). The world looks a whole lot more cheery even if the weather may be grey and rainy outside. Last week I had an awesome 32nd birthday with so many great friends and Korean karaoke with English songs (need I say more).

Valentine's Day is coming soon. Not sure what that will bring, but I am content knowing My Father is faithful throughout every season of my life. He has wept with me through the falls and deep cuts along my long journey, and I know He will be with me rejoicing on another coming summit. What a view it is going to be!!! He created it just for me.

Women...

Today is International Women's Day where women around the world are celebrated, recognized, and appreciated for all that they are and do. This year's theme is "Connecting Girls, Inspiring Futures." This celebration has instigated a lot of questions for me personally about being a woman and how I would want to inspire women and men to follow and fulfill their dreams. 

Sometimes I have these dreams of doing "big things" like saving the world in a day. Not gonna happen that quick, but let's try! First we'll end climate change, then stop the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, next end human trafficking, and finally find "cures" for mental illnesses, cancer etc etc. I've always wanted to be some kind of an activist, some kind of agent for change. What do I as a woman uniquely have to attain my goals? Do I have to become more "masculine" in order to fulfill my big dreams? And ultimately, what is it that I really desire as a woman? A career? A family? Marriage? There are many different voices and ideological views that call to me and seek to shape me as a woman-be it through media, the arts, educational spheres, or even the church. I feel like I am still on a journey to answer my questions fully, but I am learning to answer them truthfully for myself rather than allowing my culture to make my decisions for me.

I confess that I have had an interesting history with the women's rights movement and feminism -some good, some bad. I've studied how some of the very first feminists were Christians such as Nellie McLung. Her faith gave her a deep belief in social justice and empowered her to change laws and give women the right to vote and to run for public office in 1916. She was a writer and a famous speaker that I do admire. Later, I went to Simon Fraser University where I hung out at the Women's Center, a space for women with the most comfy couches for a good nap in between long classes. I had time to think about and have conversations with highly intelligent women about what it meant in their minds to be an "empowered," "liberated" women. I always enjoyed hearing their big dreams of careers and futures. One day, I got to share a poem I had written against domestic abuse with a particularly influential woman, and she really liked it. I was pretty excited, because I felt like me, the little Abbotsford girl, finally had a voice and was connecting with a "real" woman activist. Perhaps we could do some great things for women together. Unfortunately, when I told her that I was planning to become a teacher, she looked at me with what I perceived as a look of disdain. I walked away that day with some sadness, a hint of rejection and maybe a few doubts about my career choice. Should I have become a physics major or entered a field where women are not usually found? Would that "empower" me? But I had to look at who I truly was. Becoming a teacher had always been my dream. I have friends who are female physics majors, and they are amazing at it. It is their passion and interest. But it's not my talent. 

I have come to realize that I truly enjoy my role as a teacher. I get to daily speak into the lives of the next generation both young men and women-that they have all the potential in the world to live out their dreams. I get to inspire children to care for our environment and brainstorm solutions for these global issues. I get to teach about different countries and people groups and dialogue for peaceful solutions. I like teaching boys and girls how to treat each other with respect, so that together we can take a stand against human trafficking. I even get to encourage the next generation of scientists (whether they are male or female it need not matter) who may find the cures for diseases, something I would never be able to do alone. And so, I have come to the conclusion that even if I may not fulfill all of my big dreams by myself, my students will.

Crash Course on Dating

I've never been an avid "dater."  In my early high school years, I actually read a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.  Basically, he provides his readers with an alternative (courtship-another  blog discussion) to the "game" that is so often associated with the dating world; a game in which hearts are crushed and patterns can occur of one bad relationship after another.  Harris also argues that it can be a waste of time and a distraction from really living one's own life to the fullest.  I agreed with the idea.  I was a very focused student throughout high school and then into university, and I didn't want anything or anyone to take away from me pursuing my life's dreams.  

Throughout high school, it was pretty easy to follow my dating "values."   I went to a small school, and so there were very few potential dates.  Looking back on university, however, I sometimes wish I had taken more of an initiative to meet good men, date them etc.  I think I had the idea in my head, that God was just going to drop this incredible person into my lap, whenever He thought I was ready.  I've seen it work for some people, but not for me, at least not yet.      

Over the last few years, I've stepped out of my comfort zone and tried some different types of dating.  Online dating was probably the easiest.  You don't even have to meet the person, and there's definitely plenty of options-eharmony, plenty of fish, Christian mingle.  I've tried them all.  No luck there.  My friends mentioned "speed dating," where you get to meet at least 20 dates in one night.  Not my ideal way to meet a life partner, but hey you never know?  Where I've seemed to have the most luck so far is actually with "international dating"-dating people in other cultures, nations etc.  I love travelling, learning about different cultures, wouldn't mind moving to a different nation, and so "international dating" had potential to be a good fit.  I dated two Ugandan men over the past year.  Both are very intelligent, good-looking, and strong leaders that I honestly believe will be a part of transforming their nation out of the poverty and corruption, that seems so prevalent there.  I had adventures with them that I'm sure one day I will write about in a book or even create a movie.  Let's just say I lived my spy-thriller fantasies complete with Ugandan mafia, tapped phones, prisons, and court cases with bribed judges.  I do not choose boring men.  Things have not ended, however, the way that I thought they would (ie. marriage and sex).  I could be discouraged. I, honestly, thought God would have made this a lot easier for me, but I press on. 

I've also come to realize, though, that I did learn a lot about myself through my dating experiences and that I had stayed true to myself.   I could walk away at the end of the relationships without regret. I have managed to remain their friends (no easy task).  I could walk away thinking that was a lot of fun (a little crazy, but the best adventure of my life).  I am disappointed, but my heart is still intact.   I don't feel like my world has shattered.  I still know who I am.  I still have many good friends who love me.  I had relied on others for good advice when I needed it.  I felt like I had just finished my crash course on dating, and I thankfully felt like I had passed.

My new favourite book on dating is called Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  If you are in the dating phase of life, I would highly recommend it for a good read.  It's not just about keeping the right physical boundaries (Sex, kissing etc. which could be a whole book in itself or a blog. hmmmm). It's about being wise in who you date, how you date, and when to start dating.  It's about setting good boundaries for your heart, your time, and building a good foundation of friendship in dating.    Part of me wonders how many "dates" it will take before I meet "the one,"  but for now I'm just going to enjoy this journey.  

Here's a short poem I wrote about dating:  Hope ya enjoy it.

Dating

Speed date, online, international date

Be free, my friend no matter da province or state 

Searching to find that perfect mate

Sure, go out on many interesting dates

But be true to yourself.  You are first-rate.

Your own mind important .

Check out their character traits.

Cos this is not fate that we're talking about.

It's real love and

Exposed too quickly

Your heart on a plate

For some loser to devour.

Too bad ate your soul again.

All that you value, flushed down the toilet.

Please learn to wait

Even if the best one may seem to be late.

Cos I hear the sound love is coming

A Scandal of Love: The Christmas Story

Silent night, Holy night. I don't know what you think of at Christmas. What sounds you hear? A new baby crying perhaps. Oh, sorry, baby Jesus isn't supposed to cry. Stars shining. Tinsel sparkling. I will be honest and say that Christmas can become a bit typical, the same old for me. And the Christmas story, well, I have heard it for 30 years of my life. I've been a shepherd or a wiseman in countless Christmas pageants. But this year is different.

This year I started looking at the Nativity in light of our blog. The Christmas story was screaming at me to write something. So here goes… I first took another glance at the cast of characters. To my surprise, I found some very real and relevant individuals to my world, starting with the most famous virgin of all-Mary, the mother of Jesus. She is probably only 12 to 14 years old when she is engaged to Joseph. She is innocent, pure- definitely a good Jew who has followed the rules of her time and remained a virgin. Suddenly, God disrupts her life with an angel appearing and telling her that she is going to have a baby. "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" is her response. My response might be God, You are crazy. Do You know the scandal this is going to start? The gossip that is going to spread? The controversy that is going to follow me and Your child probably for the rest of our lives? And God, I've tried so hard to be pure, and You are throwing that all away. The angel reassures her that God is with her and that this child is a very special child-the Son of God in fact. She courageously accepts this invitation to bring this gift of love into the world despite all the difficulties she knows this choice will bring. (And just in case you still think she is a meek, mild woman, read the song she wrote in Luke 1:46-55. In verses 51 and 52 she describes how God "overthrows kings from their thrones" and "scatters the proud." I think she is the original protest singer and a mother or revolutionaries). 

Then look at Joseph. His beloved has just told him that she's pregnant. And no, she tries to convince him, she has never cheated on him. This really is a blessing from God. This is God's child. Joseph is a good man and doesn't want to disgrace her (at that time, he could have also had her stoned to death for adultery), so he plans to just let her go secretly. But again one of the angels shows up, this time in a dream, and tells him not to be afraid for Mary is telling him the truth. This child is from God. Again his schedule and time line is messed up by God. He might have been thinking I was going to have a nice wedding, to my nice wife. The community liked us, but now my wife and I will be judged falsely, misunderstood. Let's just say it was definitely a test of Joseph's love for Mary and His obedience to God. But again like Mary, he chooses to believe God and his fiancee, and takes her to be his wife and later becomes a father to Jesus. 

The final character I want to look at is God- the one working behind the scenes. If I were God (a very dangerous thought), I would want my son to be born into a nice, safe family (Maybe like the Cleaver family from Leave it To Beaver). I would want my son to enter the world in as "squeaky, clean" a mission as possible. I would make sure everyone would see Him as pure and holy, because that's who He is. But not God. Let's start a sex scandal. Have my son appear like an illegitimate, bastard son. Then He'll be born in a barn, a filthy, unclean sort of place. Scandalous!

What does this tell us about the character of God? In my mind, God is not afraid of controversy. He is not worried about being misunderstood by people. He is not afraid of meeting people where they are at. He is not a pretender. He can relate to people no matter where their lives have started or where they are at. Lastly, He loves people more than His own reputation or the reputation of His followers. Definitely not a tame or a safe God, but a good God, a God of passion who will do anything to connect with the world He created. Scandalous love.