Love, Courage, and buying Sweaters.

I have a secret to share. I am a 31 year-old virgin and I have never been in love. That is, until now. It’s funny how you can’t understand what is possible beyond understanding until you actually get there; if that makes any sense at all! 

The thing is, I know I’ve been in love with Jesus. 

I know that I been loved and love my family and my amazing friends. 

I can even say I love coffee. 

But until recently, I had never experienced the out of control, makes you stay up all night, resets every frame, nauseating and glorious kind of love. This is the stuff that fuels battles and poetry and gives birth to a life of two becoming one. I find myself focusing on the lyrics of songs, watching movies through and entirely new lens, even seeing new value in the ‘love’ for friends and family. 

Still, beneath the glorious hue of it all, I find myself facing a great number of wild and crazy fears; what if he finds out I am too much? not enough? what if he changes how he feels, or falls more in love with the idea of who I am than the true me. I can’t imagine functioning without him. I actually am amazed at the dramatics of it all... that gradually, without my striving or preparing or planning, I find myself growing to a place where I would be incomplete without him. How crazy is that! Like two trees growing together, or chocolate chips in cookies or perhaps like an iPhone; you would be fine without it, but once you’ve embraced one another, separation would inevitably result in extreme disability. 

So I am learning that love takes courage. Courage to be yourself, with all your neediness and messiness and awesomeness all rolled into one living breathing package that exists in the face of one who you can hardly imagine living without. Truth is, I get sick of me! But as my heart settles into knowing that I am loved, trusting that I am for him what he is for me; trusting that our coming together is orchestrated by One who knows us both best and has great things planned for our togetherness.... then peace chases out fear and in it’s wake is an ever more joy-filled love. 

As we walk out the unveiling of our hearts to one-another we will see ALL the colors that make us who we are. And then, bit by bit, these colors and shades will weave together into a new garment of ‘us’. 

So we dance on. The next step, will he like the sweater I just bought for him? I like it. I think it will look mighty fine on his handsome frame. But will it be his style? Will it fit him? And if he doesn’t like it, how will he tell me?

First it's the sweater, next it's the rest of our lives!!! Just kidding. 

Oh love. 

Sigh. 

More to come in the next weeks. Stay tuned for the story of how this amazing adventure began- let me tell you its a really great story! I will leave you with this final musing, one of the most well-worded descriptions of love I know. 

Shakespear’s SONNET 116 Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.    If this be error and upon me proved,    I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 

Summer Lovin'

I just finished an incredible summer, nothing like what I thought it would be, but truly life-changing.  In my last blog, I wrote about how I was considering whether to ask a guy out or not.  I really thought it was going to all work out with a little summer romance in my life, perhaps similar to what you'd find in the Grease song "Summer Nights."  

[Danny] Summer lovin' had me a blast [Sandy] Summer lovin' happened so fast [Danny] I met a girl crazy for me [Sandy] Met a boy cute as can be [Both] Summer days driftin' away, to uh-oh those summer nights

Sounds so fun, so dreamy, so romantic, but also "drifting' away," when I look at the calendar, and it is September.  Things have not progressed how I wanted them to or thought they would- ie. a dating relationship.  Maybe I missed my opportunity!  Maybe I will never get the romance I want!  The fears try to come in so quickly.  Recently, I had to take a hard look inside and realized I could have had a summer "fling" which does not need to be defined as a sexual relationship, but just dating for a short time and not being a truly committed relationship with a future in mind.  I felt like God spoke to me in that moment and said, "Is that what you want?  Just passion and excitement for a few weeks or months?  Because I'm sure you can find that, no problem.  What happens though when the emotions and thrill fades?  What is truly left?"  I had to agree.  I have had some short term relationships that have ended quickly, and I was left with nothing other than a mess to clean up.  Was that really what I was going after? 

I felt like He asked me, "Do you want to build something that will last for the rest of your life?  Even for eternity?"  That sounded wise, so I began to look for opportunities to build my own life and the lives of those around me.  Through my church, I took a class on finances.   I have heard enough stories to find out that arguments over finances is one of the top reasons why couples separate.  I knew I had some work to do on organizing my money, and so I took steps to conquering that giant in my life.  Then I took a class on public speaking, because that is something I would like to do more of soon.  I felt empowered and more prepared for my future and like I had overcome another one of my personal mountains that had previously towered over me. 

I also built stronger relationships with family members and friends, of whom I too often take advantage.  One of the most amazing people I know is my grandmother.  She is 84 and super healthy, witty (absolutely hilarious) and active in her community and the world.  She came and visited me for two weeks while I was in Uganda last year.  In August, she invited me to take a short trip with her up to 100 Mile House and around Canim Lake to revisit where she had taught 50 years ago.  At first I thought that sounded a little boring, not a place to find romance or the man of my dreams.  Secondly, that would definitely cut into my time, that I could spend trying to get to know this guy I liked.  The more I considered her invitation, though, the more I recognized that I did not know how many more years I would have with her, and that I should make the most of this golden opportunity.  My grandma is the best travelling partner ever.  It had been 50 since she had been there, but she remembered every vivid detail of every place and every person that she had met there (I don't seem to remember that much about what I did 5 months ago).  As she shared pieces of her life story, I was amazed by how knowing her history grounded me.  I was part of her story. All that she had been through had paved the way for me.  The world wasn't just focused around me and my little world.  One night at the Iron Horse Pub, over fettuchini and garlic prawns, she shared with me her love story and how she had met my grandfather.  There is nothing comparable to how her eyes sparkled and her face lit up as she shared her story of romance.  She described how she had "schemed" with her university friends to invite Peter, my grandfather, over for a first meal and then the rest was history!  Then she even gave me encouragement and advice on how to walk out my relationships.  That was empowering, uplifting, and inspiring!  I was reminded that I was not the first woman and wouldn't be the last woman to have walked this path through trials but into hope and joy.

As for friends and other family members, I have never had so much fun with them playing music around campfires,  dancing along beaches, and then watching meteor showers blaze across the sky.  I realized that these are the people who have walked with me faithfully through difficult times and good times and will walk with me in the future.  They are my safety net and my support people, not to mention true friends, and how easy it is to forget about those who love me most when in the middle of pursuing a new and exciting relationship-one which I do not even know if it will last or remain.   

The more I live, the more I believe that God is into writing epic poems through our lives, one that can truly be passed onto the next generation, just like my grandma has passed to me.  No, this poem or God-masterpiece is not for the faint of heart or for those who do not possess great patience and endurance.  His is a story of the deeds and adventures of heroic figures (who don't always feel like that's who they are).  They know, however, that they are not alone in this battle.  The last few months I have experienced such deep frustration and anger about my wait, but also laughed so uproariously with friends about events playing out between the possible man and myself.  I have also felt powerful when I have taken heroic but small steps towards building a foundation of trust and confidence with him.   Oh, the summer adventures!  Oh, what the fall will bring???!!!

Dating, Blind.

Some times you just have to stay open. There is something about taking a risk and living a bit on the edge even when you feel you have absolutely nothing to give. I remember a few blogs back I thought it might be the season of not dating. It was. then. But this. this is now. I suppose I learned in just a few short months that if you’re waiting for a “right” time to start dating again, it may never happen.

And so, a date or two came along and after a little bit (or a lot?!) of hesitation I accepted the opportunity to date. And yes, even blind.   

Oh the joys, oh the fear… Oh the COURAGE it takes to actually go out on a date with someone you have NEVER met before. Eeeek! Perhaps for some reason I thought being 30 years of age meant nothing to it? You know you just.. you just.. DO it (no sweat. totally cool, totally calm, totally collected). You just.. GO OUT. Oddly enough, much easier said than executed, this woman was shocked and rocked (insert roommates laughter here: HAHA!). 

For real though, I was pleased to experience how nice it feels to be treated like a lady. I wish for every girl out there to experience a date like the ones I have just been on. I guess the ultimate “wish” for all is for these dates to occur frequently -- not just on a “one time basis," rather a lifetime filled with cool dates with someone you truly love and who truly loves you.

I must say, I feel refreshed. The total nervousness and sick feeling (which if you're lucky, only lasts for the first few minutes of the actual date! Praise God!) pays off in the end. You get home, kick off your heels, or boots, or flip-flops, or what-have-you, and realize you just accomplished something which made you a little braver and a little bolder than you were before. This is a very cool thing! 

Perhaps for a time I started to feel worn down, as many of us some times do; just a tad bit numb to all that has happened over the past 6 months or so. The tragedies of life have a way of wanting to break us down and keep us down, they really can hurt and they really do hurt, it can be a fight to move on towards a brighter day. Some days the weight of it all can start to make you believe you're not lovely or attractive or worthy enough to be desired. Your heart may grow hard or cold or sad or old if you're not allowing it just enough light, love, grace, risk and adventure (among other things) to nurture it back to health and wholeness.  

To think, a simple date comes along out of nowhere and yup, you guessed it, right when I wasn’t “ready” for it. It just. was. No deceitful intentions, no expectations, no unhealthy attachments, no stifling codependencies, no major red flags (the kind that make you want to "go to the washroom" and stay there for the rest of the night!); it’s amazing what a solid, not to mention handsome, gorgeous smelling man can do to boost you right back up to where you belong. Among the living. Among the dreaming.

Just a date, yes; but enough to remind you that all hope is not gone, and perhaps you’re not as “unready” as you think to be treated to nice conversation and a nice meal. Even just once. Or twice. For now. 

To Ask Him Out or Not To Ask Him Out?

 Is love something that one has to pursue?  Go after it full force or does it come to us?

I started a survey in these last two weeks in which I interviewed as many of my male friends as possible to find out their opinion about some questions I have been pondering about love and relationships.  Actually, more honestly ones that I have been deeply wrestling with and even ruthlessly analyzing and stressing over in my head.  My questions were around the idea of whether I should let a man I am interested in initiate a dating relationship or whether I should just ask him out?  And if I did do the initiating, what would be the right way?  When would be the right time?

The opinions I heard from these men fascinated me.  I received the full spectrum of answers.  There were some men who felt like it was their God-given role to initiate a relationship with a woman.    Some told me that if a man didn't have the courage to ask me out, how could I trust him to be a courageous leader in life?  Others added that if a woman asked them out, they would feel like they were being given a back seat in the relationship and like someone had "stolen their thunder." 

On the other hand, others reminded me that I was an "emancipated woman," and so, of course I should ask the guy out. One of my friends, who now has a great marriage and two beautiful young daughters, told me that he had prayed that his now wife would ask him out.  It was a kind of sign to him that she was the right one, when she did ask him out.  Others simply said, "Amy, if you don't want to be single anymore, you need to ask him out!"  No pressure right? 

Wow!  Those answers could leave this woman feeling quite confused and terribly perplexed.  I am the kind of person who likes to do the "right" thing, and there didn't appear to be a "right" thing to do in my mind.  Was there a right answer or a wrong answer?  "What Would Jesus Do"  could be my fall back question, but I had no idea what He would say.  These were good men that I respected, and they could not give me a consistent answer.  

As I began to analyze my data more, I began to think that perhaps it had more to do with two unique people coming together in a possible relationship.  Some men want to be asked out, some don't.  We bring our unique personalities to the table.  How could a relationship grow where both the man and woman  freed each other to live out their full potential?  Maybe it is about listening to each other's needs and desires and not seeking to control the other person (How many stories have I heard of men and women trying to manipulate the other into a relationship, even claiming that God told him that they were supposed to be together?  Scary stuff!)?  It's about learning to read that other person.  I've also learned that people's past experiences with dating will affect how they approach starting a future relationship.   

And so back to me.  I had to take a deep look inside my own heart.  I realized that it was not against my "religion" to at least tell a man that I was interested (most of the men had agreed that there was a difference between asking a man out and just telling him in a calm and collected manner that I was interested).  The deeper I looked, however, the more I felt like I did want a man to pursue me, for him to initiate a relationship.   Why would I care if he led?  Maybe I am tired of always having to be the "strong one" or the leader in life.    I know how to lead.  I know how to be strong (most of the time), but God asked me if I knew how to trust and rely on another and especially Him to lead?  Do I trust that My Heavenly Father knows my heart, my needs and my desires?   Do I trust that He can lead a man to me who is strong and courageous enough to pursue me?    If I can't trust God with one of the biggest decisions of my life, what could I trust Him with?  Lastly, I just want to feel like I am desirable and worthy of being pursued. It reminds me of how Christ pursues us as His bride and was willing to lay down his life for her.  

There's a verse in the Bible that says, "Those who are led by the spirit of God, they are the children of God."  I believe that I am God's child, and I live to be led by Him.  I have welcomed God into every area of my decision- making, including my dating relationships.  This is about a relationship with the Most High God- speaking my desires to Him, listening to His heart and plan and following the Most Perfect Leader.  Maybe in a few weeks, I will hear Him say, "Amy, go for it.  Ask him out.  You've waited long enough."  But for now, I am contentwaiting to see how My Father God is going to write my love story.  Oh, the adventure!!!

Strong Enough? Lessons from the "Tough Mudder"

 Two weeks ago, I had an opportunity to prove myself as a "tough mudder."  What is the "tough mudder" you may ask?  The "tough mudder" is a twelve mile obstacle course in Whistler, which the British Special Armed Forces created for individuals to push their physical limitations and "overcome all fears."  During the course, 14,000 participants and myself got to traverse through fields of snow, slosh through mud up to our knees, swim across literally frozen lakes, squeeze under barbed wires, and climb ten foot walls.  One of my friends told me before the race, that I should be preparing for 3 hours of hell.  Hmmm. not so comforting, but when I had watched the promotional video, it had looked like fun- an opportunity to revel in the spirit of adventure and live on the edge.  Over the course of the challenge, I learned many lessons, which have been very helpful to me as I reflect on my life, especially as a single.  

At the very beginning of the challenge, participants had to chant out a pledge.  The first point declared, "I understand that the tough mudder is not a race but a challenge." The goal of the tough mudder, thankfully for my team, was not to keep track of our race time.  Thankfully, I say because we were one of the last teams to complete the course, but it didn't matter.  We were out there having the time of our lives, growing in our skills, and pushing limits like never before.  I've come to realize that often, unfortunately, I do treat life like a race.  I am constantly telling myself that I just have to run to the next appointment.  I think to myself let's see how much I can fit into one day.  How many people can I see?  How much can I learn in a day?  How much can I exercise in one day?  Rushing. Rushing. Rushing. On a larger scale, sometimes it feels like life is a race to see who can get a boyfriend first, get married first or have kids before others.  It seems I have difficulty just enjoying the "now." 

Life is clearly a challenge as was the "tough mudder."  Tam described last week so many of the difficulties that we have seen many of our friends face over the last months.  Sometimes it feels unbearable like we are sloshing through mud and the mud keeps getting deeper. The obstacles appear unsurmountable like the ten foot walls, that we had to climb over.  The truth be told, there was absolutely no way that I could have made it over those walls alone.  Yes, I had trained, and I was stronger than before, but I simply do not have the strength that this test required of me.  Some of my best memories of the "tough mudder" were climbing on the shoulders of my amazing teammates to get to the top, only to have complete strangers help me over on the other side.  Again the "tough mudder" pledge actually gave me some insight.  "I put teamwork and camaraderie before my course time,"  and "I help all my fellow mudders complete the course."   What if my only goal in life was to help my teammates complete their course?  What if I stopped trying to outplay or outsmart others to get a boyfriend?  What if I gave up on competing against those who could very well one day be my strength?  

So yes, in some ways I learned that I did have enough to live out a dream.  I had proven my abilities, but no, more than that God had proven His faithfulness and kindness to me.  (I had every friend I knew praying for me that day for peace and safety, and I definitely needed it).  He had proven to me the importance of receiving strength from others.  What had started as a desire to prove my independence and fierce toughness was replaced by a greater love and thankfulness for His grace and for others.  We are strong enough.  Tough enough, but only when we stand together.  Ironically, our very strongest members who has won prizes for running marathons, was not able to complete the course.  He twisted his ankle after mile 2.  He was a real trooper about it and completed up until mile 6, where he finally decided being able to work and provide for his family on Monday was more important than finishing.  To me, however, it demonstrated that absolutely no one knows what this life will bring and no matter how talented, strong, good, beautiful we may be, none of us are exempt from facing trials and difficulties.  We cannot overcome alone.  

When I finally did reach the end of my challenge, I thought it would be this feeling of awe-inspiring pride at my accomplishment.  I could now boast the "tough mudder" title, but instead it felt a little anti-climactical.  The true challenge actually came when we were waiting outside in the freezing rain for our shuttle to pick us up (I realized then the weather could have been like this the entire day. Another thing to be thankful for)  or the three hour drive home that I got chosen to drive.  In other words, the "tough mudder" was just a beginning to my challenges.  Life in its entirety is that challenge.  Yes, the "tough mudder" was for me a success.  It was a celebration of something I had worked towards, prepared for, but it was not the ultimate test.  Looking back it reminds me of how people prepare for a wedding, but a wedding is only the beginning of a new challenge.  The true challenge begins in the months and years that follow, not just the one day.  

 I am learning to walk out the final point of my "tough mudder" pledge.  "I overcome all fears."   I am demolishing insecurities about not being a good enough musician, friend, a sister, a writer or one day a wife.  I pray I will look back at the ridiculous and wonderful "tough mudder" challenge and remember that I am enough, because I am loved by a great God and I am blessed with incredible relationships.