A few things I am learning....

These past few weeks I have learned so much. Thought I might share just a few insights I have discovered.... let's title it "The Dos before I Dos...." or maybe something like "A few things this Christian girl is learning as she becomes a wife..." or maybe even just "Some things to think about before looking at Pintrest". Any of these titles could be appropriate!

1. There is a PANDORAS box of wedding ideas, thoughts, suggestions, lists, services available to you. Before you open the box, STOP. Decide with your Man what you want your wedding to be about- who is it about. For us, we decided that this really is all about celebrating an amazing miracle done by God (the miracle of love for one another). Our number one guest is Jesus. So everything we would decide to do that day would honor Him. It was from that place that we then could make decisions on the how, what, where and how much!

2. Be engaged. The season before marriage is precious. This is your last time in your whole life that you are going to be a 'fiance'. Enjoy the middle land and learn the thing that you are to learn in order to be prepared for this great new adventure. Spend time with your girlfriends. Clean out your boxes of the past things you won't need any more. Take time to be just you and God. I have found that during this time of longing to just start my life with him I can sometimes forget the beauty in that longing. When I can capture what it is that I am longing for, and name the pain of the wait, I somehow find myself being more thankful for all that is coming.

3. Keep it pure. Long-distance has certainly helped us with physical boundaries, but what about my thoughts? Walking down the aisle toward my Husband to be I don't want to just be a physical 'virgin', I want to know that with the grace and strength of the Lord, I walk toward him pure in my heart. This is no easy task! Finding the man you have been waiting for is incredible! And let me just say, it takes me getting my eyes onto the bigger picture to see that watching how I think about him will be honoring for him in our marriage.

4. Beware of Pintrest!! If you have any creative bone in your bridal body you are going to LOVE the ideas on Pintrest! There is everything on there! But when your roommate finds you sitting in the dark with nothing but the glow of the computer screen to illuminate your half-opened 2AM eyes, it's time to shut that pinning down! Take a breath! I found that 'all the ideas' suddenly started making any idea seem not quite enough. I had to go on a pintrest fast! I decided I would pray before pinning; that I would go to God with ideas and wait to hear what He had to say first. This lead to WAY more peace and far more sleep!

5. When you find your dress, stop looking at other dresses. You are going to be beautiful on your special day, regardless of what you are wearing. There are a lot of pretty dresses, an hundreds that will look great on you. Find one that gives your heart bubbles of peace. Then stop looking at other ones and comparing. I am not sure I know of many situations where comparing has helped get more peace.

6. Honor your family. This is a big deal for them too. Be careful with their hearts and be creative to navigate how to make the important people feel special. Be open and honest about how you feel about them. Love and communicate.

7. Take time to just be with your fiance, not talking about wedding agendas or decisions that need to be made. There is still so much to know about him- you will have a lifetime of getting to know him! Enjoy this season with him. And when you're making decisions about invitations, guest lists, color schemes... talk it out with him. Maybe more guys want to have input into what their wedding day than we give them credit for. Respect him by hearing his perspective too.

8. well... to be announced I guess. 

There is only 9 weeks left until I get married and still I know there will be much to learn. As I write this list I think of telling myself all of these things. What a glorious season it has and is to be engaged!

A Story of Hope.

This is a great story, and it’s time to share it, fully, here with you. 

 Some time ago I went to London. I went to study a course I had looked forward to taking for nearly four years. I was accepted to go to the course in the Fall, but I had absolutely no peace about going then. Strange as it felt, I requested a deferal for my acceptance until the spring intake. 

And so, there I was, in March 2012 walking up the small path to the lovely home where I would stay with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. In this home I would live out one of the most beautiful seasons of my life; a unique time of slowing down the hectic pace and rekindling a joy for a simple life. It was a time to fall in love with the One who desires to be loved and to love more than any other. It was a time to be inspired. This was a season that would refresh and realign my life forever. 

The day before I left Canada I started ‘dating’ an eligible bachelor from home. I could picture what I thought life would be like with this man the minute I met him in that Canadian coffee shop.  “A life with this man would be safe,” I decided. He has a great job, his is nice and loves Jesus, and even lives near my family. He was the kind of guy who was intentional about not only arranging the next time we could meet or talk, but the next two times. So we decided to pursue a long distance relationship and arranged weekly Skype dates and phone calls. Things progressed, and a few months after I had been in London, he took the bold step to cross the ocean to visit me.

 Sometimes things are more than what they seem. 

The day I arrived at my new British home I handed my large red duffle bag to a young man who offered to carry up the long flight of stairs to my room. Not only was I impressed by his kindness, but I was also taken with his strength as this bag was heavily laden with five months worth of my precious things. When he came back down the stairs I found myself looking at him a few seconds longer than I expected I would, his dark hair and kind eyes being set off with a beaming grin and drive-a-girl-crazy stubble, not to mention the accent! I quickly put my heart in check, switching to my thoughts to ‘friend’ mode and imagined what a delight it would be to get to know this intriguing young man.

Weeks turned into months and I found myself discovering a unique connection with the boy upstairs. We spoke of things of the Lord with a unique mutual understanding and delighted to discover we enjoyed looking at life from a very similar perspective. I was more than inspired by his love for Jesus, his genuine, make-you-sing-in-the-kitchen adoration of Jesus. We both loved people, saw heaven in a similar way, understood missions as a similar life-calling and even both enjoyed sharing dessert. More and more I found myself opening up to this man in an authentic way, seeking his opinion on things, respecting his perspective. We shared openly about what we wanted in a spouse, how we dreamt of our families, what our future goals and dreams were. All the while I was so overwhelmed with his responses, thinking time and time again “Lord, can you make my husband like HIM!?” I knew within the first three days of being in London that I would want to be this man’s friend forever.  

Coming to see me in London was a critical step for the Canadian and I. We had never spent so much time together and we were both eager to discover if this was a relationship ready for more commitment. We had a wonderful time with great adventures, and when he left two weeks later I was sad to see him go. But more than that, I found myself longing to spend more time with my British housemate as we had only had small moments to have one-on-one time together while my boyfriend was visiting. 

During the post-visit-analysis I quickly realized that the Canadian and I were on two separate paths. We loved the same Jesus, but knew Him so differently. Where his comfort zone was, my panic zone started; panic for me looked like endless days in the same place speaking the same language, while his panic zone was to be in various places for an unknown amount of time for an unknown reason in the midst of an unknown language. The Lord was gracious to give me the image of a glass house with a piece of wood being put on it; although wood is a strong, appropriate material for building houses, it does’t belong on a glass one. Even though I could have chosen the life with safety, the Lord gently showed me that there could be something different for me. So I ended things with the Canadian in a moment that felt like turning from the Shire to the icy mountain pathway. The trail over the mountain would lead to a lush a beautiful valley, I just couldn’t see how from this side, but I trusted.

At that same time I found myself coming to the stark realization that my feelings for my British buddy were going much deeper than friendship. We found ourselves communicating with nothing more than looks across a room. We started finishing one another’s sentences and increasingly preferring to spend time together. This was a very difficult time as we both worked to guard our hearts and keep things pure and rightly-attached between us. I prayed daily to break any inappropriate soul ties with him. And as things increased between us, I realized that I would have to share with this most amazing friend, that yes indeed I was starting to see him as more. 

This was the most intimidating thing I have ever had to do in my life! The scenario in my mind went something like this: I would tell him how I felt, he would say ‘that’s nice, I don’t feel the same way, lets be friends....” only things would never be the same because we would both begin to keep our hearts close and guarded against further emotional connection.

Sometimes, and I am finding out that more often than not, what the Lord has planned for us is more than we imagine, more than we even dared to hope. I realized that I had hoped for the ‘best’ man, my Viking, to come. But I was actually expecting less. I had started telling myself that the man for me would be someone kind and loving and a lover of Jesus... but was he attractive? Would he be fun and delightful? Would he be such a match for me that I would be forever only a match for him? I had started doubting that he would be great, I had started expecting less than great from God. 

Oh ye of little faith. Why do you doubt?

On January 1st I was asked the most important question any person has ever asked me. On that first day of the year, I was asked if I would  join my life with the man of my dreams. He literally is just that- the man of my dreams. He is more than I ever expected or could have anticipated. We match perfectly, calling out more of who we are when we are together than when we are apart. When I am with him I can feel myself running faster toward the future. I love him more completely and immensely than I have ever loved another human before. In fact, I began to question if I have ever loved before. He is the one who I was made for, and I am the one made for him. Before we were even born the Lord knew we would stand before one another and the question would be asked.... and I would answer,

yes, I will marry you. 

Life shifted at that instant. 

Every hour I dreamt of him, longed for him, cried out for him.... every tear I cried as I waited to meet him and trusted deep for him and groaned inwardly for him.... every one I looked at and sought a forever gaze to look back at me..... seems but a small pile of precious dust in the face of a life lived loving this man. 

He loves to know my thoughts about him before I even met him. It delights us both to think of how God literally moved heaven and earth to bring us to one another. I am now scouring my journals for words that I wrote to him from a time when I only dreamt about him. These are the diamonds revealed in this season; each bold act of faith toward and about this man now bears such joyful fruit. This is a season of harvesting golden fruit of joy and love that were sown in faith and watered by tears. Beauty exchanged for ashes. 

 As he and I delightfully plan for a wedding and our forever together, I see just how quickly everything changes. What a glorious story. What a beautiful beginning. More than I expected, but just what I had hoped for.

One year.

An entire year has passed since we began this amazing journey of sharing our hearts with you. I can think back and remember the thrill of having our first 10 people, then one hundred people, then one thousand people view our writings. I think we even went out for dinner at the infamous Red Robins when we reached the one-thousand viewer mark. 

Milestones like birthdays and anniversaries can serve as markers in time around which we remember what has been and hope for what is to come. In this past year the four of us have: come and gone from Uganda and soon London; journeyed through heart break and heart delights; we’ve had fun photo shoots and hilarious T.V. moments; we’ve lost, mourned and yet still worshipped; we’ve spoken and lived out dreams. 

On a personal level I have gone from desperately trying to include any one and one time with a man as a mark for our dating competition, to being a long-distance girlfriend and now daring to hope that I have met my match. Despite the starting and stopping of relationships this year I have felt the steady and growing passion with the love of my life Jesus, and for that I am truly thankful. 

Reflecting on adventures helps to see that time really does pass us by quickly. Before we know it 29 is gone and 31 is being welcomed. This sense of time-speed demands that we ‘seize the day’ and live love radically and with boldness. This short year also encourages us to be joyful in the waiting and patient knowing that this season too will pass. Learning to see time as it really is, to number our days wisely, gives us permission to dance through the journey and trust that for every season there is a purpose. 

Thank you for reading and responding in these past twelve months. We have grown and been encouraged by your comments and attention to the sharing of our hearts. We are glad to have the privilege in encouraging you as you walk out your great story. 

Know you are loved.

Live in the joy of being significant and heard.

Bless you. 

The Fight Is ON!!!

I’ve been battling through some mindsets and heart attitudes recently when it comes to being single. I’ve battled with some un-godly beliefs that I will be the last to ever get married.  Extreme I know, but it’s how I really felt. After moving from house to house, roommate to roommate because they were all getting married, it started to feel like I was going to be last. I have to say I wasn’t pleased with this idea and it used to pain me to the core to even think about it. Two years ago I decided to begin to deal with these unbeliefs and stop cursing my current circumstances because of past experiences.  I broke the things I spoke over my life and decided to disagree with it all. I became friends with quite a few AMAZING single women that were all my age and instead of thinking they’ll all get married before me, I started just liking my life, my friends and my future. Recently I have been tested in this thinking as some of my single girlfriends became “un-single” and I was left to face the lies. Was I going to start believing them again; was I going to throw my hands up in the air and say “ SEE GOD I TOLD YOU THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME”. Or am I going to start standing up to these ridiculous thoughts and put them in their place.  I decided to fight. The battle was on. I have had days where I jump in the car and drive somewhere quiet and just cry it out, and then start yelling at my heart.  If you were a fly in that car you would hear things like “Heart, you’re going to get this, you’re going to get that there is JOY in this season.” Or something to the tune of “ That’s it Lisa, you need to snap out of this pity party and start realizing what you have in the now”. I came to realization that if I can’t be content, joyful, loving life in the now, in this season, I am not going to be any of those things when I’m married. It has nothing to do with being “single” or “married”, it has everything to do with being present in the now season and living for today. I don’t want to go into my next season not feeling content and satisfied and loving my days, because marriage or a husband won’t fix that. Yes I had heard this all before but in the last 3 months or so my heart has gotten it...... I get it! I want to be satisfied today and not hoping for what can satisfy me in the tomorrow. My goal is to look back when I’m married and say that I lived my “single” years to the MAX. I lived them with fullness and joy and peace and kindness and love and a grateful heart.

I can tell you with a full heart that I am so full of joy in my season, that it isn’t something that I think about daily, or if I think about it, I don’t see all those who have what I am longing for, but I see a life that is a GREAT adventure full of HIS plans and purpose and they are SO MUCH greater than mine! I haven’t felt this peaceful and at ease in my “single” season ever and I am SO THANKFUL that I got it, and am still getting it. My heart obeyed me and submitted to the idea that I need to love this time, right here, right now, with those surrounding me.

Let's break through in our lives. Let’s conquer those mindsets that hold us back! Be bold in taking control of your thoughts and emotions and commanding peace, life, God’s thinking and understanding. We need to be people that live contented in the now, the here, with whom He’s placed around us. Let us not look back on seasons and wish we enjoyed them more, appreciated them more, lived them fuller!

In a world where cows can talk!

I realize that most of the readers of this blog are singles, so in a sense me (Kerry) and my husband Andrew writing on the topic of sexuality in marriage is like a group of cows having a conversation with another group of cows that are across the fence trying to find a way to get to “the greener grass on the other side”. (In a world where cows can talk that is). We have three children 5 and under so in our world all the animals can talk. Ok. Let’s talk wide open pastures. Let’s talk sex.

     When I became a Christian I decided to live a life of sexual purity and abstinence until I got married. That period of time in my life lasted 11 years.  I have a deep personal understanding and compassion for the challenges of the single life. It was a precious time with monumental victories as well as failures, life-long friendships and deep loneliness, exciting adventures and seemingly endless searches for answers. My hope is that somehow the words I have to share on this topic would encourage your heart and strengthen you on your personal journey regardless where you are at. Male or female, Christian or not, single or married. May you be stirred to give more thought, preparation and practice to the commitment of true intimacy.

 As far as sex itself is concerned, I must agree that the grass really is greener on this side of the fence.  Let me briefly share why.

     You are a three part being made up of body, soul and spirit. The architect who uniquely designed and created you also uniquely designed your sexuality. What many do not know is that God almighty is that Creator and that when He made us He placed a combination lock within our sexuality. He is the only one who knows the secret combination to unlock the fullness of our personal sexual satisfaction. Many people try to unlock it themselves through the mere physical act and various other ways. However, what they fail to realize is that God only releases this secret combination to our partners through the sanctity of marriage. That’s right; we are not given our own sexual code because sex was never meant for our own use. It was meant to be given as a gift and in the act of giving we then receive the fullness of pleasure.

      This secret combination or “access code” is also as unique as every finger print and encompasses every area of our being, body soul and spirit. Any other sexual pleasure outside of this context pales in comparison and will actually work as destructive force in our lives otherwise. That is a secret only those who have unlocked their lover’s code have experienced and understand. Trust them and take their word for it! Your marriage partner will be given that code bit by bit as they learn to love you in every part of your being. As they discover who you are in spirit and discover how to truly care for your heart, they will then learn to unlock the depths of your physical pleasure. No matter how hard you try, you do not hold this power and this is why you will never find satisfaction by your own means.

     I know many singles reading this would argue their sex life is kick’n the way it is but I challenge you to get truthful with yourself. When you do, you will see that no matter how you try to find sexual satisfaction that your deepest needs are never met in the end. This is why sex is truly the best in marriage because all of the sex that the world has to offer is based on self-fulfilling satisfaction, people trying to find the secret combination themselves for themselves. When sex is received as a gift, true intimacy is found. See, one has to understand the purpose and design for marriage to be able to really place sex in its rightful place. It’s like understanding how our solar system operates before we understand what role Earth has to play within it. It gives us the bigger picture. Sex is a very significant part of the delicate balance of intimacy in marriage, but it is a part-not the whole. However, that is a whole other topic to be discussed another time.

     Before I became a Christian I was a sexually active single and I can look back now and tell you that lifestyle is a mere counterfeit of the real deal. Sexual activity in singleness may temporarily feel good but ultimately will never satisfy to our deepest core. It was never designed to function that way and never will. Sex in our world is cheap, often with no real commitment and at the expense of another. Our culture treats sex as a commodity and puts very little value on it. What our culture has failed to do is realize there is a living human being attached to that sex and in God’s eyes, has tremendous value. We have lost the original purpose of sexual intimacy as a culture and this is because we have lost touch with the One who created it and wrote the manual for it.

    Let’s talk a bit about preparation for marital intimacy because most of you are heading in that direction sooner or later, many of you crying out for mercy that it be sooner I know! When I was on the, let’s call it ‘this same old grass sucks’ side, or “where is the grass!” side, I remember I had some perspectives about marriage and sex that I gathered on my own and have had to completely change within marriage.

     When I was seeking for ‘the right one’, I honestly did not give sex that much thought other than to believe that it would be amazing to have in my life period. I didn’t realize that marriage and children and learning to live life as a couple would involve so much work and have such an impact in shaping and building intimacy. I didn’t understand the difference between infatuation and mature love. The biggest lesson that I have learnt and would like to pass along is that sexual intimacy is something that needs to be learnt and mutually built together. It takes work! It doesn’t just happen. Like all things in life, marital sex is not immune to problems. Problems will come but the way we deal with a problem will directly determine the level of intimacy within our marriage. The secret is how we as individuals respond to the challenges and are able to work through the challenges with another. Singleness provides opportunity to practice this in principle. However, it will never match the level of self-sacrifice, maturity, generosity and love needed to maintain a healthy life long marriage. This is why it is so very important as a single to allow God to work into the depths of your core character because ultimately it is your character that will uphold your marriage by commitment in times you are greatly challenged, not simply a great sex life. Singles listen up … one vital quality you should look for in a partner is do they practice selflessness? Do they practice sacrificial love? Are they actively developing this attribute in their current life? I believe anything can be worked out in a marriage if both partners know how to put the other person’s good before their own.                   

Another thing I learnt this side of marriage is that our sexual capacities fluctuate over time. When we’re young and single we tend to believe that the mere drive will always be high and passionate. That’s what I thought. Here is the wake up reality for some … you or your partner’s sexual drive or abilities will fluctuate throughout life and will go through some possible major changes! This was a big reality check for me when I experienced pregnancy for the first time, the second, the third time, 3 C-sections and 6 week recovery times after every surgery, years of nursing babies, overcoming post-partum, sleepless nights, exhaustion, husband’s busy work schedules, owning a business, financial stress, starting a ministry … I could go on and on. (Oh-oh, I hear the sound of many bubbles bursting). I’m sorry but better to have a few bubbles burst now than later. I have been told by many counselors that the main issues of divorce are a couple’s inability to work through issues about money, sex or children. Do some research or talk to some couples now about the stages of life your marriage and physical body will go through. Cultivate a mindset of grace and flexibility for how you will respond to different stages of life in your marriage, it will be a major help to you & your partner when you get there.

    Singleness and sexuality is a hard deal to balance. I would go through periods of time when I was so content being single and then had times I would cry daily for God to end the misery. It is so valuable to have healthy committed married couples sharing wisdom into our lives, at every stage. Andrew and I have benefited tremendously by the wisdom we’ve received by those successfully loving in their marriages. My hope is that you would have someone mentoring you in areas of your sexuality, struggles and preparation for marriage. There are challenges in every stage of life the good news is that you don’t need to walk them out by yourself.

     In a few months I will have completed my internship and be an ordained minister. I also have my own ministry called Prophetic Light Ministries and do have many years of psychology and counseling education. If you would like some support, prayer or just a listening ear as a married woman and momma of 3, please feel free to send me an email at www.propheticlight.ca I would love to hear from you.

May you find the fullness of victory and freedom within your sexuality in the way you were designed to!

Kerry Champagne-Lauman