waiting for a great, exquisite gift.

The more I journey on in this "singleness" the more I am beginning to understand how being in a relationship with someone and sharing life with someone is a gift, the more I am learning to cherish love and not take it for granted when it does come along, the more excited I am at the simple thought of having a ‘boyfriend” again.
 

Earlier in 2012, a really amazing woman had a dream that Lisa and I would receive beautiful gifts. In this particular dream, the content and timing of these gifts were not disclosed. Simply gifts from God, elegantly wrapped and by the sounds of it, when described to me, not actual gifts of this world – gifts of heaven - sparkling and radiant. 

It seems a bit silly to think of how enthralled I am by the image of these mysterious gifts in my mind considering I’m not even sure what my “gift” represents (although I have a pretty good idea!) nor have I ever been particularly interested in how a gift is wrapped or presented. I’m one of those "let’s get er’ open and see what’s inside” kind of girls; it has never really been my thing to open a gift slowly or carefully, I would much prefer to rip the dang thing apart to see what's inside (ASAP!).

Now the funny thing about this “gift” is that I can only envision it at this point, I cannot actually see it with my own two eyes. It’s not even wrapped and sitting underneath a tree this time of year waiting for me to open it on Christmas morning (at least it wasn't this year).

But there is something about being hopeful.

There is something about being patient. 

There is something about the waiting; waiting to see what’s inside this delicate, splendid, mysterious gift.

You have to hold the gift with open hands, stand back and trust unhesitatingly. You have to trust that in not giving in and opening it before it is due to be opened you will receive something far greater than you could ever imagine. The gift will be golden.

And so... this holiday season, although I didn't have a great, exquisite gift to open, I trust and I wait; perhaps by this time next year I will have opened my gift and the wait will be over...  

Old and new.

How can it be that a month has already passed. This has been such a rich few weeks! I have found myself in a season of waiting, waiting unlike I have ever waited before. Again I was reminded how it hurts to trust that deeply; to trust that your heart will not be dropped, to trust that against all common sense, this waiting will be good. And then the waiting gave way to grace. Grace to be human, grace to ask for and be granted permission. Thank you Lord!

And now, the season has shifted yet again. Now I find myself looking for the promises from the past. As I comb through my journals from the past decade, I see two things. First, pulling out the old things helps me to see how much I have grown. I am pleased to see that my thinking has become more secure, more faithful, more global. I also see that a few things I once thought were healthy wise and good, well.... they aren’t actually! A few years ago I participated in things that left scars and bruises that have taken a long while to heal. 

Still, the greatest treasure of looking back on the old is the recognition of the constant, faithfulness of God. He really is always faithful and true. Time and time again I see Him rescuing me, hear Him calling me, read about His embrace of me even in the midst of my muddiness and confusion. He has shown me time and time again how much He really loves me, really pursues me, really has great things in store for me. All He asks is that I take ahold of his outstretched hand, that I trust Him and don’t worry. He’s got it. Got it all. 

So today, my journalling is going to focus more on the words for tomorrow than the drudge of today. At least for now, I want to listen and hear and mark that this is the day when He speaks. 

New seasons, ever changing. 

Faithful hands, ever holding.

I look up and see 

joy

peace

right standing 

Time for 

Thanksgiving.

Strong Enough? Lessons from the "Tough Mudder"

 Two weeks ago, I had an opportunity to prove myself as a "tough mudder."  What is the "tough mudder" you may ask?  The "tough mudder" is a twelve mile obstacle course in Whistler, which the British Special Armed Forces created for individuals to push their physical limitations and "overcome all fears."  During the course, 14,000 participants and myself got to traverse through fields of snow, slosh through mud up to our knees, swim across literally frozen lakes, squeeze under barbed wires, and climb ten foot walls.  One of my friends told me before the race, that I should be preparing for 3 hours of hell.  Hmmm. not so comforting, but when I had watched the promotional video, it had looked like fun- an opportunity to revel in the spirit of adventure and live on the edge.  Over the course of the challenge, I learned many lessons, which have been very helpful to me as I reflect on my life, especially as a single.  

At the very beginning of the challenge, participants had to chant out a pledge.  The first point declared, "I understand that the tough mudder is not a race but a challenge." The goal of the tough mudder, thankfully for my team, was not to keep track of our race time.  Thankfully, I say because we were one of the last teams to complete the course, but it didn't matter.  We were out there having the time of our lives, growing in our skills, and pushing limits like never before.  I've come to realize that often, unfortunately, I do treat life like a race.  I am constantly telling myself that I just have to run to the next appointment.  I think to myself let's see how much I can fit into one day.  How many people can I see?  How much can I learn in a day?  How much can I exercise in one day?  Rushing. Rushing. Rushing. On a larger scale, sometimes it feels like life is a race to see who can get a boyfriend first, get married first or have kids before others.  It seems I have difficulty just enjoying the "now." 

Life is clearly a challenge as was the "tough mudder."  Tam described last week so many of the difficulties that we have seen many of our friends face over the last months.  Sometimes it feels unbearable like we are sloshing through mud and the mud keeps getting deeper. The obstacles appear unsurmountable like the ten foot walls, that we had to climb over.  The truth be told, there was absolutely no way that I could have made it over those walls alone.  Yes, I had trained, and I was stronger than before, but I simply do not have the strength that this test required of me.  Some of my best memories of the "tough mudder" were climbing on the shoulders of my amazing teammates to get to the top, only to have complete strangers help me over on the other side.  Again the "tough mudder" pledge actually gave me some insight.  "I put teamwork and camaraderie before my course time,"  and "I help all my fellow mudders complete the course."   What if my only goal in life was to help my teammates complete their course?  What if I stopped trying to outplay or outsmart others to get a boyfriend?  What if I gave up on competing against those who could very well one day be my strength?  

So yes, in some ways I learned that I did have enough to live out a dream.  I had proven my abilities, but no, more than that God had proven His faithfulness and kindness to me.  (I had every friend I knew praying for me that day for peace and safety, and I definitely needed it).  He had proven to me the importance of receiving strength from others.  What had started as a desire to prove my independence and fierce toughness was replaced by a greater love and thankfulness for His grace and for others.  We are strong enough.  Tough enough, but only when we stand together.  Ironically, our very strongest members who has won prizes for running marathons, was not able to complete the course.  He twisted his ankle after mile 2.  He was a real trooper about it and completed up until mile 6, where he finally decided being able to work and provide for his family on Monday was more important than finishing.  To me, however, it demonstrated that absolutely no one knows what this life will bring and no matter how talented, strong, good, beautiful we may be, none of us are exempt from facing trials and difficulties.  We cannot overcome alone.  

When I finally did reach the end of my challenge, I thought it would be this feeling of awe-inspiring pride at my accomplishment.  I could now boast the "tough mudder" title, but instead it felt a little anti-climactical.  The true challenge actually came when we were waiting outside in the freezing rain for our shuttle to pick us up (I realized then the weather could have been like this the entire day. Another thing to be thankful for)  or the three hour drive home that I got chosen to drive.  In other words, the "tough mudder" was just a beginning to my challenges.  Life in its entirety is that challenge.  Yes, the "tough mudder" was for me a success.  It was a celebration of something I had worked towards, prepared for, but it was not the ultimate test.  Looking back it reminds me of how people prepare for a wedding, but a wedding is only the beginning of a new challenge.  The true challenge begins in the months and years that follow, not just the one day.  

 I am learning to walk out the final point of my "tough mudder" pledge.  "I overcome all fears."   I am demolishing insecurities about not being a good enough musician, friend, a sister, a writer or one day a wife.  I pray I will look back at the ridiculous and wonderful "tough mudder" challenge and remember that I am enough, because I am loved by a great God and I am blessed with incredible relationships.  

In love!

Being in love is the greatest, gut-wrenching experience in the world! Suddenly you are aware of every nerve in your body; your mind is filled with joy-bubbles that explode into uncontrolled giggles at the thought of 'him'; there are times when you feel like just slow-dancing in the middle of a quiet street beneath streetlights, following his lead through the gentle sway of a sweet song. 

One of the best things about love is that it makes you feel.... beautiful. How is it that when we pour out our affection, adoration and deepest heart songs to another, we are filled with the knowledge that we are more radiant, more desired, more delightful and stunning than ever before. A woman who knows she is loved, and a woman who adores with her whole self, is truly stunning! 

Sometimes we can feel discouraged that the 'lovers' are over there enjoying their pink-hued happiness while we 'others' are over here walking out the rock-hewn road of isolation. The truth is, your place in the pink, warm glow of love, or the cold, grey wind of loneliness is independent of your relationship status. How many are 'with' someone, yet feel painfully alone? How many delight in the joys of arm-tingling love despite never having had a significant other. It seems to me that the very first love affair is and always must be with the One who has loved you from the beginning, before you were, before you knew Him. He adores you and delights over you. And when you fall in love with Him- I mean really start to giggle over Him- you realize just how beautiful you are.

This week I was struggling in a gray season. It felt like all the most important love-providers in my life were either too far away, or just not able to fill my bottomless love tank. I struggled with jealousy and comparing myself. Even though I knew that these things were not 'real', I didn't know how the heck to get them out of my mind! In desperation I looked to my Lover and asked, "Can you help me? Do you have enough love for even this ferocious, bottomless love-void? Can You satiate this never-ending, annoying need in me for love and affirmation?"

As I imagined Him looking at me, my face in His hands, drawing my eyes upward toward Him, I saw a smile. Yes of course I will fill that love-darkness with the light of my spirit. I am so glad you finally asked!

This poem is a little reminder of just how tenderly we are loved. May this be a week of once again (or perhaps for the first time) falling in love. 

From the notebook of Arthur E. Ritchie

Child of my love, fear not the unknown morrow,
Dread not the new demand life makes of thee;
Thy ignorance doth hold no cause for sorrow
Since what thou knowest not is known of Me.

Thou canst not see the hidden meaning
Of my command, but thou the light shall gain;
Walk on in faith, upon My promise leaning,
And AS THOU GOEST, all shall be made plain.

One step thou seest — then go forward boldly,
One step is far enough for faith to see;
Take that, and thy next duty shall be told thee,
For STEP BY STEP thy Lord is leading thee.

Stand not in fear thy adversaries counting,
Dare every peril, save to disobey;
Thou shalt march on, all obstacles surmounting,
for I the Strong, WILL OPEN UP THE WAY.

Wherefore go gladly to the task assigned thee,
Having my promise, needing nothing more
Than just to know, wher’er the future find thee,
In all thy journeying I go BEFORE.